The Ten Absolutes for Caregivers

Jo Huey, a nurse, wrote these 10 absolutes for caregivers taking care of someone with dementia:

1.   Never argue, instead agree.
2.   Never reason, instead divert.
3.   Never shame, instead distract.
4.   Never lecture, instead reassure.
5.   Never “remember,” instead reminisce.
6.   Never say “I told you,” instead repeat.
7.   Never say “you can’t,” instead say “do what you can.”
8.   Never command or demand, instead ask or model.
9.    Never condescend, instead encourage or praise.
10. Never force, instead reinforce. 

Caregivers find it hard to stop using reason with their loved one, especially if the person with dementia was an engineer, lawyer, planner or was always very reasonable before dementia.  But once the disease starts, no amount of reasoning or logical discussions will convince them that their version of reality is not real.  In fact, being reasonable, a skill that works well in most other situations, can actually escalate arguements when talking to someone with dementia.  Just like we often can't reason with a toddler, we also can't reason with someone who is now losing skills they learned as a child.  (Note that we unlearn things in the same order we learned them before as a child).

Here's a place where Lily Tomlin can help us:  "Reality is the leading cause of stress of those in touch with it." 

Allow your care reciever to have their own reality.  Let them enjoy it, and don't talk them out of it.  Your job as the caregiver is to eliminate conflict and provide saftey and purpose in life when you can.  And of course, your job is to take care of yourself.  Cut down the arguements, and enjoy the moments that you are given with your loved one.

Consider posting Huey's 10 Abolutes in a place you see daily to remind you.