Socialization Help People with Dementia

People with dementia often have trouble in social settings.  The noise and activity of others is distracting and can even be scary.  Even those with early stage dementia are starting to notice they can't as easily follow conversations when more than one person is involved,  It can be confusing or stressful to know your role in a social setting.  As a result many people with dementia and their caregivers end up isolating themselves, going to less and less social settings.  Isolation can lead to depression and less physical activity.

Social interaction is one way to keep the brain active and may even help prevent the progress of dementia.  So how do we find social settings for people with dementia?  It's best to look for groups especially designed for people with dementia.  For example, Rhodes Respite care in Anderson (http://www.fpcandersonsc.com/serving/rhodes-respite-care-2/) provides socialization especially for those in early or middle stage dementia.  Participants enjoy attending the group where they make crafts, enjoy music, and get to know staff and other participants like themselves.  The Alzheimer's support group in Seneca offers a socialization group during it's meetings for people with early stage dementia.  Participants enjoy music, activities with pleasant aromas, board games such as Qwirkle and Rummykub, and interaction with college students and other participants.  The group avoids expectations or competitiveness so that participants feel welcome and comfortable no matter their mood or abilities on a particular day.  Trained college students from Clemson University provide one-on-one interaction to make participation active and enjoyable.  If you would like to join one of the groups led by Clemson students contact Dr. Cheryl Dye at tcheryl@clemson.edu for a list of current offerings.  The next sessions are Feb. 20 and April 17 at 11:30 am at Oconee Memorial Hospital.

Look for social activities where the expectations for your loved one and for you the caregiver are low.  But be sure to pick activities that you both would enjoy.  Consider a walk in the park where you observe children or families, attending a local church service, visiting a small store with few customers, going to a local walking trail on a sunny day, or playing a board game with one or two non-competitive accepting people.  Use your loved one's former interests as a guide.  If they always enjoyed playing cards look for simple card games.  If they enjoyed working out, find a place where you can use simple exercise equipment.  As you are interacting with others provide your companionship and support for your care receiver in case they feel confused or afraid.  Be accepting of their moods and interactions and offer praise during and after the outing, even if everything wasn't perfect.

Going to a social activity can take a lot of preparation and energy.  So be sure to plan some quite time or a nap afterwards.  Remember to praise your loved one for going and for being with you.

Note: See the previous post for another opportunity for socialization.

Not So Happy Holidays

 When many people are enjoying celebrations with friends and family, people who lost a loved one recently may be dreading facing holiday traditions, family gatherings, music, and memories.  Sadness, loneliness, anger, preoccupation, envy, and yearning don’t seem to fit the holiday mood and can crop up at a moment’s notice.  What can you do to make survive this "happy" season?

     First, consider what’s most important this holiday.  Is it being with family, taking time off, creating a beautiful home, celebrating spiritual beliefs, exchanging gifts, being a peacemaker, or helping others?  Let your top values help you choose which traditions to celebrate this year.  A recent loss gives you permission to make changes in holiday traditions.  Rabbi Dr. Earl Grollman, certified Death educator and counselor, offers the following suggestions of for new traditions after a loss:  ceremoniously place an ornament/decoration that recognizes the loved one’s favorite hobby/interest, ask the youngest family member sit in the loved one’s seat at the holiday dinner, have family members stuff her stocking with written memories of her throughout the season (later read when all are together), share memories of him around a the holiday meal, play her favorite song, look through past photo albums, encourage family to "give him" a donation to his favorite charity, or serve one of her favorite foods for the meal (even if it’s jelly beans or bratwurst). Although one can’t predict how one will react emotionally during the holidays, having a plan and a new tradition can help reduce worry and even create excitement about something new. Just before holiday events, think ahead so there’s a place you can retreat to for privacy and a designated person (ask them ahead of time) to step into your role in case you need some time alone.  For help, call in “anything I can do” favors.  Your friends will welcome a chance to help you decorate, cook, write cards, visit, or shop.   Pay extra attention to self-care:  accept your feelings and let them out, get enough sleep, eat healthy, drink sensibly, and exercise (aerobic exercise improves mood).  Finally, consider doing something for someone else.  Research shows that we often feel better when we help others.

      What if you’re helping someone grieving? Instead of saying “let me know if I can help,”  offer specific help. Consider inviting them to your home for a holiday dinner or offering to help decorate or address cards.  Suggest a visit and ask specifically about how they are doing after their loved one’s death this season.  Be sure to use their loved one’s name (too often after death we stop using the name and this becomes almost a second loss for the griever).  Then be a listener.  Don’t offer advice, instead say things like “that makes sense” or “that must be hard.” Be flexible allowing your friend to decline offers now, but remember to check in later.

     Sadness and tears may be part of this holiday, but happy memories can be as well.  Focus on what is best for you and your loved ones, be spontaneous and flexible, and allow the feelings to flow whatever they may be.  Need extra help with your grief?  Consider joining a grief support group.  Groups are offered throughout the year at GHS Hospice of the Foothills (390 Keowee School Road, Seneca).  Call 864-882-8940 for more information. Or Google a support group on line.  For example, if you lost a child check out Compassionate Friends where others write about how they handle the holidays. If your grief seems to complicate all aspects of you life even months or years later, talk about it and consider making an appointment with a counselor.  

Living Humbly

We live in a culture of sacristy. Thousands of advertisements tell us we need to get something to be happy and fulfilled. Implied is the idea that we do not have enough or that life is is always about getting more. The idea of scarcity and advertisements do help businesses sell products and help companies grow.  But does it help people, our culture, or our mental and physical health?

If we believe the notion that we don't have enough, we spend our lives striving to make more money, get a better job or home, find the right friends, ....   In other words we focus on the future, improvement, and what we want.  There's nothing wrong with improving and changing.  But if it becomes our only focus, and we forget to enjoy the present, this culture of scarsity can lead to a life of busy-ness, striving, a life with few margins or room for spontaneity...a life with little gratitude or joy.

If you've noticed yourself rushing, having few times of contentment or gratitude, or constant fatigue, perhaps you need a vacation (or stay-cation) from the culture of scarsity. Take on week (day, hour, year) to be fully in the culture of plenty.  Spend time each day being grateful for what you already have, don't go shopping (even on-line shopping), avoid advertisements, use the time you normally shop or watch to do something you really enjoy.  Do something spontaneous. Live simply during you stay-cation. Instead of going out to eat, cook from the things in your home. Play a card game instead of watching TV. Call or visit a friend whom you enjoy being with. Have unplanned time each day. End each day making a list of what is plentiful and joyful in you life. Think of simple activities you enjoyed when you were younger and do one.  If you have a child or pet allow them to set the agenda for some play time and learn from them how they take pleasure.  Kids and pets are great teachers in living in the present.

Stop trying to work things out before their time has come. Accept limitations living one day at day at time. Enjoy each moment. Just be.


“You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment. Fools stand on their island of opportunities and look toward another land. There is no other land; there is no other life but this.”  H. D. Thoreau

Be the Change

Marketers suggest that we can buy a certain item can make us happy.  When you go to a doctor you can get a pill to help you solve almost any problem.  Insurances promises to make you secure.  Advisers promise if you use their services you will become rich, healthy, ...  But unfortunately many problems continue even after buying the item, seeing the doctor, or taking the medication.  Although it's true insurance, pills, people and things can help us, often it takes an investment of our own time and effort into a problem before it gets better.

"Be the change you want to see in the world" Gandhi said.  Instead of hoping for others to solve our problems (or the world's problems) we need to learn to see how we can make a difference for ourselves (and others) now.  So next time you have a problem that you thinking shopping, medicine, government, or some expert can fix, consider first what you can do to be the change you want.

Most of us would benefit from getting more exercise.  It would help us pay attention, have more energy, be less depressed, decrease the likelihood of getting dementia and heart disease, and if we walked in our own neighborhood we might improve our relationships with neighbors or make new friends.  Almost everyone I work with knows that exercise would help them, but few people are willing to make the changes necessary to make exercise a regular part of their lives.  Why?  The answer is different for everyone but inertia, or the tendency to stay where we are, is often a large part of the reason.

Most of us could eat better.  If we ate less that was bad for us (sugar, fatty foods, alcohol, etc.) and more that was good for us (fresh fruits and veggies, homemade items, etc.) our hearts, minds, and bodies would be healthier, have more energy, and if we cooked with friends or family it might even improve our relationships.  If we started growing some of our own food, we have the chance to exercise while we're eating better.  Again, most people know that they need to improve their diet, but they resist the messages their body is sending regarding foods.

Eating right and exercising take more time than just taking a pill.  Many skills or techniques like meditation for example take an investment of time and effort on our part before we can reap the benefits.  The benefits often outweigh the effort, but you only notice the benefit after many hours of practice.

“Make the most of yourself....for that is all there is of you.”  R. W. Emerson

Quick fixes are attractive because they are so simple.  But the key to our health and well being lies in our own hands.  We need to decide what is needed to be healthier and happier.  So long as we assume someone else (be that a doctor or family member) holds the key to solving a problem we are facing, we can't really make changes.  So accept what your are, define what you need to change, and then start the hard working of being the change you want to see in your world.

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” Carl R. Rogers

Cures for Depression

Depression affects approximately one in 10 Americans (Centers for Disease control), although it affects everyone at different levels.  Depression is costly and debilitating for many, a passing nuisance for others, or a recurring down experience.  No matter how it affects you, you have probably looked for an antidote or "cure" for depression.

Medication is one of the most common treatments for depression, and is pretty easy often only requiring taking one or two bills per day.  Talk to your doctor about which medication is best for you.  Remember you may need to try several before you find the one that works best for your body.  If medication is not working for you or not providing enough relief, remember it's only one antidote.  Try some of these depression killers:

Counseling:  Talking out what's hurting can help you develop new ways of thinking and new ways of coping.  Many people find after effective counseling they can decrease or end their use of medications.

Exercise:  Instead of (or in addition to) taking medications, take your body's medication for depression.  The way to activate your body's chemicals is aerobic exercise.  I recommend 30-90 minutes aerobic exercise 5 days a week.  You're looking for exercise that makes your heart rate go up.  For example, swimming, jazzercise, aerobics classes, walking fast, running, playing soccer, etc.  Find something you enjoy doing and consider varying the activity from day to day.   Strength training is also beneficial.  Although you won't see an immediate benefit in the first week of exercise, over time you'll find adding the body's chemicals will counter depression (and has no side effects, except perhaps weight loss).

Sunlight:  If you lived in Alaska or Norway, you'd notice how many people get depressed in winter when full sunlight is available less than 4 hours a day.  If you're feeling down go outside on sunny days.  If you add a walk or a visit with a neighbor, you're doing two depression busters at once!  If you tend to get depressed in the winter, notice how sunset gets later each day after Dec. 21.   Consider getting a "sun" lamp for in your home.

Diet:  Eat some depression busters.  Foods that nutritionists suggest may counter depression include  cashews, brazil nuts, whole grain oats, brown rice, cabbage, raw cocoa, foods with Omega-3 fatty acids (like salmon and tuna), brewers's yeasts, hot peppers, and other whole grains like quinoa, kamut and spelt.  Talk to a health coach or nutritionist for advise specific to your body and/or medical conditions.  Or do a web search on foods that have helped others.  Don't forget to avoid foods that can lead to depression like foods high in sugar or fat, excessive coffee or alcohol.

Thankfulness leads to Increased Joy

Do you remember how happy you could be when you were a child?  Most adults, on the other hand,  approach joy with some foreboding.  When something good happens, we are waiting for the other shoe to drop.  When we notice our happiness, we sometimes fear losing the source of happiness.  Ah, what we can all learn from children....

How to we learn to fully experience joy again?  Researchers has begun to find some clues.  In one study* three groups were asked to write a few sentences each week on the following topics:  what they were grateful for, daily irritations that displeased them, or events that affected them (no emphasis on positive or negative).  After 10 weeks, those whose assignment was to write about gratitude were more optimistic, felt better about their lives, exercised more, and had fewer visits to the doctor that those who wrote about sources of irritation.  In another study**, participants were asked to write a letter of gratitude to someone they had never thanked for their kindness and deliver it to the person.  Participants who did this reported huge increases in happiness scores.

Making a practice of gratitude can increase your happiness and make you more able to experience joy in your daily life.  And perhaps focusing on the negatives can decrease your ability to experience joy.  After Thanksgiving day, we are all more aware of the practice of thanksgiving.  Why not resolve to make the practice of gratitude a daily or weekly practice in your life.  Consider the following approaches:

1.  Start of list of 1000 things you are grateful for.  Add more to it each day or week.  (see more on this in the book One Thousand Gifts by Anne Voskamp).  Monthly read through what you've written in the past.

2.  Each morning as you're waking yourself up, name 5 things you're thankful for.  Don't forget to include a warm blanket, a comfortable pillow, and running water.  Remembering things we take for granted can help us experience more joy.

3. Write a letter to someone who you are grateful to and mail it.  Consider taking the time to handwrite the letter to make it more personal.  Or look up the person and give them a call.

4.  When a sales person, colleague, or neighbor is efficient and helpful, thank them on the spot.

5.  If you have a spiritual practice such as prayer, consider including thanksgiving more often.

6.  Notice people who you know that are happy and consider if they are practicing gratitude regularly.  Or even ask them?

7.  Start a gratitude board on your wall or your computer.  Add to it when you see it.  Encourage others in your family to do the same.

8.  When you write a Christmas card or birthday greeting to a friend, consider including what you appreciate about them in your note.

9.  Make appreciation part of your relationships.  Make a special time (perhaps at meals) to have everyone in the family share about what they appreciate about one member of the family.  The next day/week, choose someone else.

10.  When you do need to correct or disciple someone, start with what you appreciate or what they did right before explaining what they can do better.  Research on criticism suggest that children should hear 10 positives/praise for every one negative/correction they hear.  So start with 3-5 things they did right before providing correction.  If you're a teacher or manager, see how you can incorporate praise into your feedback.  Here's some ideas on feedback from Brene' Brown:  http://brenebrown.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/DaringGreatly-EngagedFeedback-8x10.pdf
11.  Start a file folder (actually or on your computer) of thank you notes.  When you get one or a letter that talks about how you helped someone, add it to the folder.  When you feel down or just randomly when you're digging through your files, go read through the folder.

*Dr. Robert A. Emmons of the University of California, Davis, and Dr. Michael E. McCullough of the University of Miami, have done much of the research on gratitude.

**Dr. Martin E. P. Seligman, a psychologist at the University of Pennsylvania, tested the impact of various positive psychology interventions on 411 people.