Living Humbly

We live in a culture of sacristy. Thousands of advertisements tell us we need to get something to be happy and fulfilled. Implied is the idea that we do not have enough or that life is is always about getting more. The idea of scarcity and advertisements do help businesses sell products and help companies grow.  But does it help people, our culture, or our mental and physical health?

If we believe the notion that we don't have enough, we spend our lives striving to make more money, get a better job or home, find the right friends, ....   In other words we focus on the future, improvement, and what we want.  There's nothing wrong with improving and changing.  But if it becomes our only focus, and we forget to enjoy the present, this culture of scarsity can lead to a life of busy-ness, striving, a life with few margins or room for spontaneity...a life with little gratitude or joy.

If you've noticed yourself rushing, having few times of contentment or gratitude, or constant fatigue, perhaps you need a vacation (or stay-cation) from the culture of scarsity. Take on week (day, hour, year) to be fully in the culture of plenty.  Spend time each day being grateful for what you already have, don't go shopping (even on-line shopping), avoid advertisements, use the time you normally shop or watch to do something you really enjoy.  Do something spontaneous. Live simply during you stay-cation. Instead of going out to eat, cook from the things in your home. Play a card game instead of watching TV. Call or visit a friend whom you enjoy being with. Have unplanned time each day. End each day making a list of what is plentiful and joyful in you life. Think of simple activities you enjoyed when you were younger and do one.  If you have a child or pet allow them to set the agenda for some play time and learn from them how they take pleasure.  Kids and pets are great teachers in living in the present.

Stop trying to work things out before their time has come. Accept limitations living one day at day at time. Enjoy each moment. Just be.


“You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment. Fools stand on their island of opportunities and look toward another land. There is no other land; there is no other life but this.”  H. D. Thoreau

Thankfulness leads to Increased Joy

Do you remember how happy you could be when you were a child?  Most adults, on the other hand,  approach joy with some foreboding.  When something good happens, we are waiting for the other shoe to drop.  When we notice our happiness, we sometimes fear losing the source of happiness.  Ah, what we can all learn from children....

How to we learn to fully experience joy again?  Researchers has begun to find some clues.  In one study* three groups were asked to write a few sentences each week on the following topics:  what they were grateful for, daily irritations that displeased them, or events that affected them (no emphasis on positive or negative).  After 10 weeks, those whose assignment was to write about gratitude were more optimistic, felt better about their lives, exercised more, and had fewer visits to the doctor that those who wrote about sources of irritation.  In another study**, participants were asked to write a letter of gratitude to someone they had never thanked for their kindness and deliver it to the person.  Participants who did this reported huge increases in happiness scores.

Making a practice of gratitude can increase your happiness and make you more able to experience joy in your daily life.  And perhaps focusing on the negatives can decrease your ability to experience joy.  After Thanksgiving day, we are all more aware of the practice of thanksgiving.  Why not resolve to make the practice of gratitude a daily or weekly practice in your life.  Consider the following approaches:

1.  Start of list of 1000 things you are grateful for.  Add more to it each day or week.  (see more on this in the book One Thousand Gifts by Anne Voskamp).  Monthly read through what you've written in the past.

2.  Each morning as you're waking yourself up, name 5 things you're thankful for.  Don't forget to include a warm blanket, a comfortable pillow, and running water.  Remembering things we take for granted can help us experience more joy.

3. Write a letter to someone who you are grateful to and mail it.  Consider taking the time to handwrite the letter to make it more personal.  Or look up the person and give them a call.

4.  When a sales person, colleague, or neighbor is efficient and helpful, thank them on the spot.

5.  If you have a spiritual practice such as prayer, consider including thanksgiving more often.

6.  Notice people who you know that are happy and consider if they are practicing gratitude regularly.  Or even ask them?

7.  Start a gratitude board on your wall or your computer.  Add to it when you see it.  Encourage others in your family to do the same.

8.  When you write a Christmas card or birthday greeting to a friend, consider including what you appreciate about them in your note.

9.  Make appreciation part of your relationships.  Make a special time (perhaps at meals) to have everyone in the family share about what they appreciate about one member of the family.  The next day/week, choose someone else.

10.  When you do need to correct or disciple someone, start with what you appreciate or what they did right before explaining what they can do better.  Research on criticism suggest that children should hear 10 positives/praise for every one negative/correction they hear.  So start with 3-5 things they did right before providing correction.  If you're a teacher or manager, see how you can incorporate praise into your feedback.  Here's some ideas on feedback from Brene' Brown:  http://brenebrown.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/DaringGreatly-EngagedFeedback-8x10.pdf
11.  Start a file folder (actually or on your computer) of thank you notes.  When you get one or a letter that talks about how you helped someone, add it to the folder.  When you feel down or just randomly when you're digging through your files, go read through the folder.

*Dr. Robert A. Emmons of the University of California, Davis, and Dr. Michael E. McCullough of the University of Miami, have done much of the research on gratitude.

**Dr. Martin E. P. Seligman, a psychologist at the University of Pennsylvania, tested the impact of various positive psychology interventions on 411 people.

Recent research on improving sleep

Summarized below are three new studies that help us understand more about sleep.  Summaries below are draw from WebMed (www.webmd.com) research summaries and articles on sleep written by Dr. Micheal Breus, PhD, ABSM.

1.  The National Science foundation interviewed 1000 adults (ages 23-60) to determine the effects of exercise on sleep.  Respondents reported their physical activity for the week (vigorous, moderate, light, and no activity).  All respondents reported the same amount of sleep, but the more people exercised in the day time, the higher the quality of sleep (i.e. they felt more rested and refreshed when waking).  61% of the non-exercisers reported bad sleep (e.g. difficulty falling and staying asleep, difficulty falling back asleep, sleeping too little), and were more likely to report feeling sleepy during the day.  But perhaps most significant is that even those who only reported light exercise (e.g. 10 minute walk a day), reported better sleep than those who did no exercise.  Participants who exercised more reported improved sleep regardless of when during they day they exercised.

2.  A new study conducted by the University of California Berkeley suggests poor sleep may contribute to the lack of appreciation in couples.  Researchers studied 60 heterosexual couples between ages 18 and 56, asking them to record amount of sleep and their feelings of gratitude.  Results suggest that people tend to feel less appreciated by their partners if they slept poorly. In fact, when just one member of the couple slept poorly, both partners are negatively effected emotionally and have a lower level of appreciation felt in the relationship.  This may explain why more couples are sleeping separately (25% and rising).  Poor or insufficient sleep leads to crankiness and less ability to adapt to changes.  So it's no wonder that we are less appreciative when we have slept poorly.

3.  Modest sleep improvement appears to increase tolerance for pain.  Researchers at the North Shore-Long Island Jewish Sleep Disorders Center extended the sleep of half the participants (ages 21-35) to 10 hours a night and then tested both groups for pain tolerance (how long it took them to remove hands from a heat source).  The extended sleep group had a 25% increase in pain tolerance, the equivalent of taking a pain killer.  Findings are found in the December 2012 issue of Sleep.  Although this small study cannot conclude that increased sleep causes higher pain tolerance, it does suggest that those 
expecting to have surgery or suffering from chronic pain would benefit from increased sleep.


So what can we conclude?

1.  Arrange your schedule so that you can get 7-10 hours of sleep each night.
2.  If you, your partner, boss, or best friend is experiencing sleep problems, get or encourage them to get some help improving their sleep habits.
3.  Exercise everyday, even on busy days.
4.  If you're experiencing chronic pain, consider other causes of pain beyond the initial diagnosis such as sleeping more.

Need help with sleeping better.  See the last blog post (from May 8, 2013, below). 

Tips for Getting Better Sleep

Here's some tips to sleep better tonight:

1.     Have a bedtime ritual:

a.  Self-care:  teeth, bath, hair, etc.

b.  Relaxation:  warm bath, quiet music, gratitude list, tea,…

2.    Go to bed and get up at the same time every night/morning.

3.    Make a comfortable sleep area:

a.  Mattress less than 10 years old

b.  Consider darkening shades to prevent light

c.  Consider earplugs or white noise machines

d.  Pillows to support lower back and neck

What encourages sleep

1.    Daily exercise (esp. aerobic).

2.    Making relaxation a habit (e.g. meditation, neuromuscular relaxation, yoga, mindfulness, spiritual practices, etc.)

3.    Healthy encouraging relationships.

4.    Processing (vs. ignoring) stress (therapy, talk to friend, worry list, setting smaller goals, decreasing expectations, etc.).

5.    Some foods:  warm milk,* bananas, almonds, cherries (only natural source of melatonin), oatmeal,* small portion of protein (cheese, cottage cheese, meat, hard boiled egg), and some herbal teas.*   (*Remember to avoid high sugar additives.)

Things to Avoid:

1.     Exercise and heavy eating right before bed (esp. high fat meals).

2.     Naps more than 20 minutes in the afternoon.

3.     Looking at electronic screens before bed.

4.     Stress and arguments, especially before bed.

5.     Alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and nicotine within 3-5 hours of bedtime.

6.     Using bed for other things (reading, chatting, working, TV, …)

7.     Suspenseful books, shows, etc. that are hard to stop.

8.     Turning the light on when you get up for the bathroom, kids,…

9.     Staying in bed and worrying that you aren’t sleeping.

10. Distractions (e.g. pets, kids, snoring, neighborhood noise…).

Be Calm

CALM

Collect the good

Accept everything

Live fully

Meet your own needs

Collect the good:  When we’re stressed we tend to think about all the bad or hard things that have happened.  Today, instead collect the good that happens.  Be grateful that you have access to indoor plumbing, that there’s some food in your house, that the sun shows through the clouds, that someone smiled, or that your bed feels good.  And make gratitude a habit daily, perhaps remembering to say five things you’re thankful for before getting out of bed, naming what you’re thankful for before or meal or the end of your day, or starting a gratitude list.

Accept everything:  Part of our stress is related to resisting things that happened that we didn’t want to happen.  Although it’s ok to be angered by or dislike how things turned out, fighting against what has already happened (that you can no longer change) only increases your stress.  So accept what happened yesterday, last year, etc.  Accepting does not mean that you approve or like what happened.  Instead you are letting go of the resistance or willfulness that causes tension and stress as you think about the past.  Letting go of the things you can’t change can help you to enjoy life and have hope for your future.

Live Fully:  Take time each day to let go of worries about the future and enjoy what is happening in the present.  For example, observe your breath; run and only feel the sensations; loose yourself in some music; or see and enjoy a beautiful sunset or flower.  Let yourself get lost in what your are doing or feeling and what is around you.   There’s enough trouble in the moment without adding the trouble of past (and future) days or years.  Although you won’t always be able to let go of the past and future, spend some (lots of?) time every day enjoying the now.  If you’re truly living fully, you’ll notice that you loose track of time in these moments and experience joy in simple things.  In sports fully participating is called being “in the zone.” 

Meet your own needs:  Some stress comes from focusing so much on others needs that we neglect our own needs.  People experiencing stress sometimes even forget to eat, sleep, or do things for fun.  No one else but you knows what you need.  So start by taking three deep breaths and naming what you feel and need right now.  Rate your fatigue, hunger, tension, etc. Then choose a time today to take care of one of these needs.  Taking care of yourself is not selfish.  Instead taking care of your needs frees you up to care for others.

Planning vs. Being

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."  Joseph Campbell

Part of what makes us move ahead and be motivated is our goals, plans, and dreams.  Plans are important, but putting too much focus into the plans can make us miss the life we have now.  We can hope one day to be healthy, or have/heal that special relationship, or.....  But look at all the beauty and pleasure we might miss if we only focus on getting there.  Even though we are sick, we can enjoy the taste of a favorite dish, the smile of our grandchild, the rainbow or sunset we happened to see.   Or more simply we can enjoy that we are breathing and our heart is beating and this very moment is alive with sensations and experiences.  If we notice them, they will bring peace and/or joy to our hearts.

So by all means plan and dream.  But in between the times when you're thinking about your plans, remember to enjoy this one moment.  You won't have a chance to experience it again.

Here's an idea to appreciate the present when you wake up in the mornings:

As you wake notice your breath and be grateful for it's rhythm and constant presence.  Notice the motion of the breath in and out.  Enjoy it.  Then notice what else is working well in your body, your heart is beating, you can see, hear, etc.  Feel the bedsheets, pillows and cool air with your hands and face.  Enjoy those sensations.  Be grateful for all the blessing of your body and your bed.  Look around your room and be grateful for all the things you have and enjoy.  Listen to the sounds you hear and be grateful for the clock, cars, neighbors, family....  Take time with each sound to really listen to it and enjoy its beauty.  Use your other senses (smell and taste) to notice your surroundings and be grateful. Do this slowly and focus on as many or as few things/people as you wish. Take time to be grateful for your body, possessions, loved ones, and the world around you one by one. Then when you're ready return your attention to your breath and feel each breath in and out.  Experience the motion, smells and sensations that breathing brings you and enjoy the moment.

Positive psychology research has leaned that gratitude is a trait of people who are more happy than average.  So as you enjoy the moments of your day, be grateful.  May you be happy, may you be peaceful, may you have joy in your moments today.