Why Did it Happen?

It is normal when something bad happens to wonder why it happened.  And why it happened to you in particular.  It can be good to analyze the whys.  Sometimes through, understanding the whys we come to a greater acceptance of the situation and are able to move on.

But...

and this is a big BUT...

...sometimes there isn't a single why that we can find.  Or sometimes even if we understand the why, it doesn't lead to any relief in the feelings (hopelessness, grief, sadness, pain, depression,...).

Most of us believe that if we could just understand what is happening and why, then make changes based on the understand, everything will be better.  But that's just not always true.  For example, when an accident that hurts or kills someone we love, no amount of understanding/thinking/reconsidering of the event will change that we feel sad (and angry, in pain...).  It's normal to go through lots of what-ifs and if-onlys (and it's not wrong to do so), but that process of thinking doesn't make us feel better.  When we feel pain and sadness there's a drive to find anything that will make us feel less in pain or sad.*  Thinking comes easier than feeling at times like this, and we can sometimes go into over-thinking or ruminating on the same what-ifs and if-onlys incessantly. When ruminating has taken over from thinking, we need to release the need to have logical explanations and move into acceptance of the loss and pain.

"But HOW" you say....

Yes, easier said than done.

It is a daily practice of accepting the now.  Accepting does not mean that you are glad this thing happened. Certainly not thinking that you (or anyone) would have chosen this painful now.  But accepting it as here now:  "I am in pain.  I am sad.  I can't make it go away, no matter how much thinking I do...."  Just noticing, "I'm trying to find an explanation again to make me feel better, but I still feel sad (angry, hurt...)."  Paddle past the pain and hurt onto calmer waters of accepting the feeling.  Perhaps you wouldn't have chosen to be in this boat.  But since you're in it, float, ride, perhaps paddle and move forward.

Try this exercise on releasing thoughts several times each week when ruminating or over-thinking has taken over.  And be accepting of yourself as you try it.  It takes practice to release obsessive thoughts, so the first time you try it, it will only work part of the time.

Take a deep breath and notice the motion of the breath.  Take 5 more deep breaths.
Notice a feeling you find unpleasant.
Notice what body sensations the feeling is causing (tension, hot, restless, lethargic, headache...).
Notice the thought that go with the feeling.
As much as possible observe the thoughts instead of thinking them.
Now accept the feeling.  Say to yourself, it makes sense I am _________.
Allow the feeling to express itself.
Say:  I'm in pain.  I can tolerate this.  I don't like it, but it won't kill me.
Continue to accept.
Take several more deep breaths.
On the breath out breathe out pain, tension, and ruminating thoughts.
On the breath in bring in healing, wholeness, acceptance, and (perhaps) peace.
Breathe.
Then notice if you feel any different.  Accept the change (or lack of change.)


*Sometimes we go to substances (like alcohol) or other addictions (like computer games) as a way to avoid the pain.

Cures for Depression

Depression affects approximately one in 10 Americans (Centers for Disease control), although it affects everyone at different levels.  Depression is costly and debilitating for many, a passing nuisance for others, or a recurring down experience.  No matter how it affects you, you have probably looked for an antidote or "cure" for depression.

Medication is one of the most common treatments for depression, and is pretty easy often only requiring taking one or two bills per day.  Talk to your doctor about which medication is best for you.  Remember you may need to try several before you find the one that works best for your body.  If medication is not working for you or not providing enough relief, remember it's only one antidote.  Try some of these depression killers:

Counseling:  Talking out what's hurting can help you develop new ways of thinking and new ways of coping.  Many people find after effective counseling they can decrease or end their use of medications.

Exercise:  Instead of (or in addition to) taking medications, take your body's medication for depression.  The way to activate your body's chemicals is aerobic exercise.  I recommend 30-90 minutes aerobic exercise 5 days a week.  You're looking for exercise that makes your heart rate go up.  For example, swimming, jazzercise, aerobics classes, walking fast, running, playing soccer, etc.  Find something you enjoy doing and consider varying the activity from day to day.   Strength training is also beneficial.  Although you won't see an immediate benefit in the first week of exercise, over time you'll find adding the body's chemicals will counter depression (and has no side effects, except perhaps weight loss).

Sunlight:  If you lived in Alaska or Norway, you'd notice how many people get depressed in winter when full sunlight is available less than 4 hours a day.  If you're feeling down go outside on sunny days.  If you add a walk or a visit with a neighbor, you're doing two depression busters at once!  If you tend to get depressed in the winter, notice how sunset gets later each day after Dec. 21.   Consider getting a "sun" lamp for in your home.

Diet:  Eat some depression busters.  Foods that nutritionists suggest may counter depression include  cashews, brazil nuts, whole grain oats, brown rice, cabbage, raw cocoa, foods with Omega-3 fatty acids (like salmon and tuna), brewers's yeasts, hot peppers, and other whole grains like quinoa, kamut and spelt.  Talk to a health coach or nutritionist for advise specific to your body and/or medical conditions.  Or do a web search on foods that have helped others.  Don't forget to avoid foods that can lead to depression like foods high in sugar or fat, excessive coffee or alcohol.

Letter to your Future Self

When you feel good and strong consider writing a letter to yourself that you will read at times you feel vulnerable.  Give yourself advise on how to cope and get better from your strong self to your vulnerable self.  You know best what it feels like to be depressed, anxious, or discouraged.  Here’s some things to include in your letter:

•  Validation or acceptance of your vulnerable self’s feelings.
• What things the strong-you does that make you feel better (exercise, positive thoughts, healthy diet, mindfulness, supportive friends…).
• What helped you leave behind depression or anxiety in the past.
• Affirmations that you need when feeling weak (others care, every day is a new day, you’ve done this before, it will pass, I love you,…).

·      Advise on what to NOT do as you know from experience (drink, isolate, overeat, negative self-talk).

·      Your personal resources and strengths (intelligence, empathy, energy, caring…).

·      Be supportive, compassionate, caring, encouraging, and understanding of your vulnerable self.

·      Say something hopeful (but believable, remember in dark times no one believes euphemisms)

Imprefection

"There's a crack in everything.  That's how the light gets in."  Leonard Cohen.

Culture tends to tell us to get better, to reach higher...and to ignore or hide our faults.  I'm all for reaching higher.  But sometimes the way to get there is through our faults, failure, quirks, or "cracks."  When we are pretending we have it all together, we're expending energy that might be better spent learning from our faults.  When we're hiding our faults or "cracks" we're not reaching for where we want to go.

The next time you get anxious, worried, or feel guilty, try something new.  Think to yourself, this is a chance for me to learn and grow.  What can this feeling teach me about myself and the world?  Guilt can help us get ready to apologize for something we said without thinking.  Facing our anxiety, a little bit at a time, can help us to do things we've always wanted to do.  For example, going to a new group, even though meeting new people make us anxious, can allow us to learn new skills or make new friends.  Dr. Marsha Linehan (pyscholgist and author) ties this acceptance or welcoming of unpleasant emotions to "opposite action" as a way to get over problems we face*.   The idea is to identify the action that an emotion wants us to do and then do the opposite.  For example, depressed feelings tend to make us want to withdraw and/or isolate.  The opposite action would be to exercise or engage.  So using opposite action to decrease depression means engaging or going out when you feel like staying in.  Try using opposite action to grow yourself as follows:

-If you feel depressed and want to stay in bed all day, instead go out for a walk.
-If you feel sad, watch a funny movie.
-If you're attracted to something you would rather avoid, walk away from it.
-If you feel frightened of something you want to learn to do/use, watch others doing it.

The basic idea is to let our "cracks" teach us.  Be open to letting your feelings, no matter how uncomfortable, teach us.

*One clarification, it is also important to allow ourselves to experience our unpleasant emotions.  Opposite action is for times when we've decided we spent too much time depressed or sad or angry.  But before trying opposite action (to get rid of the feelings) it's important to first experience the feeling fully and accept it.

Work the soil

"To me poor people are like bonsai trees. When you plant the best seed of the tallest tree in a flower-pot, you get a replica of the tallest tree, only inches tall. There is nothing wrong with the seed you planted, only the soil-base that is too inadequate. Poor people are bonsai people. There is nothing wrong in their seeds. Simply, society never gave them the base to grow on. All it needs to get the poor people out of poverty for us to create an enabling environment for them. Once the poor can unleash their energy and creativity, poverty will disappear very quickly."
-Muhammad Yunus

I like gardening.  And how true it is that better soil produces better plants.  I also like working the soil around people.  Sometimes they need better nutrients, but sometimes they just need the soil turned over a bit or a larger pot. 

One of the best ways to feel better yourself is to help someone else.  Research* suggests that there's a strong relationship between volunteering and health (lower motrality rates, greater functional ability, lower rates of depression in later life).  Although it is not clear from the research that it is the volunteering that reduces depression or mortality or increases functionality, experts tend to agree that helping others tends to help the helper.  For example, the helper while volunteering is spending less time focusing on their own problems since they are helping someone else with their unique (and different) problems.  In the study older persons had higher benefits from volunteering, perhaps it gives them a physical activity, a sense of purpose, and social interactions at a time when these are otherwise changing or disappearing.  (Another reason could be that they face a higher incidence of illness as they age.)  The study also suggested that spending more than 100 hours per year was more likely to lead to positive health outcomes.

So get out there an volunteer! There are many agencies that could use your help.  People who volunteer say that the work helps them more than they help those they are asked to serve.  Here's a few agencies to consider (or look up volunteering on your city or county's website):

Big Brother, Big Sister

Meals on Wheels

Free Clinics
Senior Centers
Head Start
Public Libraries

In Seneca/Clemson South Carolina, look up:

Our Daily Rest (lunch served)

Our Daily Bread (homeless shelter)

ReWiGo (repair and ramp building for the poor)

Senior Solutions (inclues Meals on Wheels)

Foothills YMCA 

Oconee Medical Center

Rosa Clark Medical Clinic and Clemson Free Clinic

Clemson Child Development Center

SMURFs

*Corperation for National and Community Service report titled The Health Benefits of Volunteering:  A Review of Recent Research, 2007.  http://www.nationalservice.gov/pdf/07_0506_hbr.pdf