Why Did it Happen?

It is normal when something bad happens to wonder why it happened.  And why it happened to you in particular.  It can be good to analyze the whys.  Sometimes through, understanding the whys we come to a greater acceptance of the situation and are able to move on.

But...

and this is a big BUT...

...sometimes there isn't a single why that we can find.  Or sometimes even if we understand the why, it doesn't lead to any relief in the feelings (hopelessness, grief, sadness, pain, depression,...).

Most of us believe that if we could just understand what is happening and why, then make changes based on the understand, everything will be better.  But that's just not always true.  For example, when an accident that hurts or kills someone we love, no amount of understanding/thinking/reconsidering of the event will change that we feel sad (and angry, in pain...).  It's normal to go through lots of what-ifs and if-onlys (and it's not wrong to do so), but that process of thinking doesn't make us feel better.  When we feel pain and sadness there's a drive to find anything that will make us feel less in pain or sad.*  Thinking comes easier than feeling at times like this, and we can sometimes go into over-thinking or ruminating on the same what-ifs and if-onlys incessantly. When ruminating has taken over from thinking, we need to release the need to have logical explanations and move into acceptance of the loss and pain.

"But HOW" you say....

Yes, easier said than done.

It is a daily practice of accepting the now.  Accepting does not mean that you are glad this thing happened. Certainly not thinking that you (or anyone) would have chosen this painful now.  But accepting it as here now:  "I am in pain.  I am sad.  I can't make it go away, no matter how much thinking I do...."  Just noticing, "I'm trying to find an explanation again to make me feel better, but I still feel sad (angry, hurt...)."  Paddle past the pain and hurt onto calmer waters of accepting the feeling.  Perhaps you wouldn't have chosen to be in this boat.  But since you're in it, float, ride, perhaps paddle and move forward.

Try this exercise on releasing thoughts several times each week when ruminating or over-thinking has taken over.  And be accepting of yourself as you try it.  It takes practice to release obsessive thoughts, so the first time you try it, it will only work part of the time.

Take a deep breath and notice the motion of the breath.  Take 5 more deep breaths.
Notice a feeling you find unpleasant.
Notice what body sensations the feeling is causing (tension, hot, restless, lethargic, headache...).
Notice the thought that go with the feeling.
As much as possible observe the thoughts instead of thinking them.
Now accept the feeling.  Say to yourself, it makes sense I am _________.
Allow the feeling to express itself.
Say:  I'm in pain.  I can tolerate this.  I don't like it, but it won't kill me.
Continue to accept.
Take several more deep breaths.
On the breath out breathe out pain, tension, and ruminating thoughts.
On the breath in bring in healing, wholeness, acceptance, and (perhaps) peace.
Breathe.
Then notice if you feel any different.  Accept the change (or lack of change.)


*Sometimes we go to substances (like alcohol) or other addictions (like computer games) as a way to avoid the pain.

What is FEAR?

What is F E A R to you?

False Evidence Appearing Real
Failure Expected And Received
Forget (or F...) Everything And Run
Frantic Efforts to Appear Recovered (Real)
Feeling Everything's Really Awful
Few Arrive Ever Rejoicing
False Expectations (Egos, Evidence, Emotions, Experiences..) Appearing Real
Feelings Every Alcoholic Rejects
Forever Escaping And Retreating
Fools Every Alcoholic Repeatedly
Forgetting Everything About Reality
Future Events Already Ruined
Forgetting Everything's All Right
Forgetting Everything About Reality

Notice that many of these acronyms have a focus on the future.  We are thinking about the future and we become afraid.  

Try choosing to be in the present instead.  Notice I said choose.  Fear will arise.  It's unclear if we have the power to stop fear from coming into our bodies and awareness.  It's pretty clear that when fear has arrived it will affect our physical bodies, our experience of the present, and our hopes, feelings, and awareness.  Fear changes us.  So when it arrives.... notice it... and...

CHOOSE to BE in the PRESENT....

Breathe...now...this one moment...notice what fear does to your heart rate, breathing, temperature, thoughts, feelings, hopes, awareness....

Now choose to be present....instead of thinking the thoughts that fear brings on...just be... breathe...notice...be aware....

Take this moment to notice something in the present and fully experience it.  Perhaps use beginner's mind to notice some object near you.  Afterwards, notice how your fear and your awareness has changed.

There's enough energy right now to handle the present, not all that might come in the future (and has happened in the past).  So CHOOSE to stay in the present....

Breathe....

Chronic Pain Relief

Although you might not think so at first, pain is a helpful trait of your body.  It lets you know that something is wrong and needs to be changed.   If you touch a hot stove, it's the pain that makes you move your hand.  Pain is the main reason people visit their doctor, since it is often the first sign of many diseases.  Because of pain many people have found out what disease processes were happening in their bodies and got needed treatment.

But let's face it, we don't like pain.  We especially don't like pain that stays around. Chronic pain is sometimes lasts weeks, months, or years.  It is not uncommon for people to continue to suffer from pain even after having a medical treatment for the problem.  For example, most people know at least one person who had back surgery but still suffers from chronic back pain.  Chronic pain is the reason Americans are buying more pain killers than ever before.  46% of Americans say they suffered from pain in the last 2 weeks.  20% of Americans say physical pain disrupts their sleep one or more nights a week.

All pain and illness is probably a result of both physical and mental causes.  Physical causes for pain are numerous and include physical illnesses, inflammation, tissue damage, medication side effects, and chemical changes in the body.  Mental causes for pain can include worry, stress, fear, and faulty belief systems.

Pain cannot be avoided.  Unfortunately all of us will experience pain in life at some point.  But suffering, which is pain minus the acceptance of the pain, can be avoided.   To avoid suffering one must learn to accept pain or learn to resist pain less.  We can know we are suffering if we are grimacing, teeth grinding, having self-punitive thoughts, seeking to avoid thinking about pain, wishing constantly for relief (e.g. attachment to finding a cure), or feel depressed, angry, or afraid of our chronic pain.  Everyone suffers when they experience pain.  Suffering leads to tight muscles, and perhaps a fight/flight/freeze stress reaction.  This stress reaction changes the way our bodies work and may even increase the pain.

So what's the solution?  First of all go see a doctor and get medical help.  If the only medical solution you've found after trying several treatments is pain medication, and you would prefer not to take so many pills, consider steps you can take yourself.  Learn to accept the pain (not the suffering).  Radically accept the pain.  Allow yourself to experience the pain as it is in this present moment.  Instead of letting the pain be a distraction from your work or relationships, give the pain a few moments of undivided attention every day.  Accept the pain of the moment and let go of the pain from the past and potential pain in the future.  For just a moment, allow yourself to experience the pain without thinking about a potential cure or wishing for a solution.  Don't think punishing thoughts about why you are having pain, simply experience it or describe it to yourself.  Notice ways your thoughts are making the pain worse (do you catastrophize, worry so much you get tense in your shoulders and neck or get a headache?).  Just accept the thoughts you have without judging them.  Then go back to observing the pain:  the sensations, the throbbing, the minute by minute changes in the intensity and location of the pain.  Watch.  Observe.  Allow.  Accept....

Although this mindfulness exercise won't take away the pain, it may reduce the suffering.  And with practice you may be able to reduce the level of chronic pain and enjoy your life more.  Try googling mindfulness for pain relief and try a few meditations.  One from my website is here.  For more on this method see www.backsense.org.

Other methods you can use to reduce suffering include changes in diet, behavioral therapy, exercise, physical therapy, evaluation of sleep habits, reduction of substance use, acupuncture, energy therapy, EFT (emotional freedom technique), chiropractic care, and changes in lifestyle and habits.  When you visit your doctor, ask them to give you more than pain killers.  Ask them for what lifestyle changes you can make that would reduce the suffering and pain.  If your physician doesn't know wholisitic methods, look for other health care professionals and/or health coaches in your area that can help you.  Don't forget to ask your friends what methods they have used and which professionals have helped them.  (Note: licensed professionals for whom you have several positive references are your best source of alternative care.)

Letter to your Future Self

When you feel good and strong consider writing a letter to yourself that you will read at times you feel vulnerable.  Give yourself advise on how to cope and get better from your strong self to your vulnerable self.  You know best what it feels like to be depressed, anxious, or discouraged.  Here’s some things to include in your letter:

•  Validation or acceptance of your vulnerable self’s feelings.
• What things the strong-you does that make you feel better (exercise, positive thoughts, healthy diet, mindfulness, supportive friends…).
• What helped you leave behind depression or anxiety in the past.
• Affirmations that you need when feeling weak (others care, every day is a new day, you’ve done this before, it will pass, I love you,…).

·      Advise on what to NOT do as you know from experience (drink, isolate, overeat, negative self-talk).

·      Your personal resources and strengths (intelligence, empathy, energy, caring…).

·      Be supportive, compassionate, caring, encouraging, and understanding of your vulnerable self.

·      Say something hopeful (but believable, remember in dark times no one believes euphemisms)

Helpful thoughts?

"As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind.  To make a deep physical path, we must  walk again and again.  To make a deep mental path we must think again and again the kind of thought we want to dominate our lives."  D. Thoreau

When you catch yourself saying "I'm not good enough" or "I never do anything right" and any other destructive thought, take note of this unhelpful path in your mind.  Don't be judgmental about this thought, just notice the thoughts that don't help.*  And then start walking down the path you want to make instead.  Tell yourself "I'm doing the best I can" or "I've handled problems before and I can do it again."  Repeat phrases that you want to hear over and over again.  Maybe you even want to write a card to remind yourself of these positive thoughts or put a reminder on your phone or computer to read the thoughts to yourself.  Negative thoughts may have become a habit, but you can make positive thoughts become a stronger habit (or path).  If you work on this every day, within one month you could notice the more positive path becoming a habit (or at least being "louder" than the unhelpful thoughts).  Below are some suggested coping thoughts.  Choose and adapt the ones you like best.  Better still, write your own.

Today is a new day and I can live it fully.
I can be anxious and still deal with ________.
This isn't an emergency.  It's ok to think slowly about what I need to do.
This isn't the worst thing that could happen.
There is no need to push myself.  I can take as small a step forward as I choose.
I can figure out what I need right now.
I have the time to spend on taking care of myself.  I'm important.
I don't need these thoughts.  I can choose different ways of thinking.
I've survived this before and I'll survive this time too.
I can take all the time I need to relax and let go.
I deserve to feel ok (or ______) right now.
I'll just let my body react to this.  I know it will pass.
Don't worry.  Be happy.
I'm special.  I'm loved.
Fighting and resisting isn't going to help.  So I'll just let it pass.
This moment is special and I'm going to enjoy the present now.
I'm doing my best and I'm taking care of myself.


*Unhelpful thoughts were often "intalled" in our brains in childhood and come without us wishing for them.  By resisting them or scolding yourself for them, you may not help yourself.  But by simply noticing and accepting them as something our mind does, you can move past them to more helpful thoughts.

Start the Day Well

Do you ever start the day lying in bed and dreading what is to come?  How we get ready for our day can really set the tone for the whole day, and can make each day more enjoyable.  Tomorrow consider starting you day with one or more of these tips:

1.  As you're waking up name 5 things you are grateful for.  Include things you like about your bedroom, body, family, house, job, neighborhood, state, country,....  Try to think up new things each day.  When things you don't like come to mind, notice the distraction and tell yourself you will work out problems later in the day but this moment is for gratitude.  Then go back to being thankful.

2.  Have 2 cups of water when you wake up.  We wake up dehydrated from not drinking all night.  Drinking water first thing in the morning will make you feel better and help your appetite be more appropriate at breakfast.

3.  Plan to pamper yourself at some point during the day.  Choose something you would really like to do that takes only a few minutes and plan to do it sometime time later today.

4.  As you are showering, bathing, and/or dressing do a body scan, noticing what parts of your body feel good and what parts you can't feel or feel a little tense.  Each day notice any differences since our bodies are different every day.  Let the tension wash out into the water and down the drain.  Or let deep breaths take out the tension/pain and breaths in bring in refreshment and new life.

5.  Eat breakfast.  Myriad health problems (such as heart disease) have been found to be less likely if you eat a wholesome breakfast every day.  Include protien and fresh fruits and/or vegatables.  If you're not hungry when you wake up, pack a breakfast to eat when you get to work or school.

6.  Include peppermint in your morning such as a mint tea, mint gum or candy, or an infuser with mint.  According to a study in the N. American Journal of Psychology people who were exposed to mint before driving had more energy.  Wheeling Jesuit University found that peppermint increase alertness and decreases fatigue when driving (Dr. Bryan Raudenbush, PhD).  So pop a stick of peppermint gum in your mouth before driving to work.

7.  Think of something in your life that you are glad happened to you (e.g. meeting your partner or friend, having children, moving to your town, or having a certain skill or job).  Now imagine how your life would have been different if this had not happened.  This exercise can help you appreciate something that you otherwise take for granted and give your an optimistic start to your day.

8.  Do some exercise outside.  Nature sounds and sights boost our mood, and exercise helps in many ways.  So before you climb on the bus or in the car walk for five minutes (or more) in your neighborhood, pull some weeds, pick a flower, or visit with your dog.

9.  Smile!  Smiles brighten our moods even when we're thinking about something we are dreading or when we're worrying.  So include several smiles in your morning routine.  Give yourself a reminder by posting a picture of someone or something that makes you smile near where you brush your teeth or eat breakfast or on the dashboard of your car.

For more ideas see:  http://www.webmd.com/balance/features/morning-mood-boosters

Better

"Do the best you can until you know better.  Then when you know better, do better."  Mia Angelou

What an accepting attitude.  We know what we know, and we do what we can do, and we learn what we can learn.  Being more accepting of yourselves day by day and minute by minute takes some of the stress out of life.  Being accepting of pleasant and unpleasant feelings can help us to learn from them.  Being accepting of pleasant and difficult people (or situations) can help us grow.

Try this exercise to be more accepting:

Take several deep breaths and notice the motion of the breath.  Accept however you are breathing and feeling even if it's different from the way your breath was last time you practiced observing.  Just breathe, notice, and accept.

Then notice any thoughts that enter your mind.  Instead of evaluating them, just notice what you're thinking.  Then let the thoughts exit your attention.  Notice any other thoughts.  Accept.  Wait.

Notice any feelings.  What sensations do the feelings cause?  Accept the feeling even if it's unpleasant.

If you notice yourself getting judgmental or distracted, just notice that and accept it.  Breathe.  Accept.  Breathe.

Gloomy Weather

"Never cut a tree down in the wintertime.  Never make a negative decision in a low time. Never make your most important decisions when you are in your worst moods.  Wait.  Be patient.  The storm will pass.  The spring will come."  Robert Schuller

In February it's not unusual to get depressed at continued short days and colder weather.  Sunny days make most of us feel happy, and cold cloudy days can make us feel sad.  What can we do to improve our mood when it rains for days or we're trapped inside due to bad weather?

In February it's helpful to remember that the sun is returning.  Today in Seneca the sunrise was at 7:20am.  On December 1st, 2012 the sun rose at 7:12am.  Today the sun will set at 6:05pm and December 1 it set at 5:15pm.  Today's a considerably longer day.  Make a point of noticing how the days are getting longer.  During your morning routine notice which part is light now that used to be dark.  When the time changed in November, I got up, ate breakfast and left for work in the dark.  Although it's still dark when I wake up, when I eat breakfast and leave for work it's light now.  If you're a sun lover, noticing the lengthening days is a way to inspire hope and remind yourself the sunny times are increasing.

Also, be sure to spend time in the sun each day.  Besides the sun helping our bodies make Vitamin D, there's also research that says many people are happier with more sun exposure (remember you get sun benefits even if it's cloudy).  A walk on a cold day is good for your health and your mood.

If it's raining or snowing and you can't do your usual outdoor activities, try to re-frame your thoughts.  For example, when it rains and I can't go for my usual walk, I remember how the rain is nourishing the plants and helping my garden grow.  When it's snowing, although I find the driving difficult, I remember how much children and families are enjoying playing in the snow.  What's an aspect of the weather you don't like?  How do others rejoice in that very weather?  Does focusing on them help you lighten your mood?

Our thoughts affect our moods.  What we think can lead to pleasant and unpleasant feelings.  The first step towards changing our bad moods is simply noticing thoughts that are bringing us down.  So notice how you think about the weather.  Accept your thoughts and your moods.  Noticing negative thoughts and accepting low moods is already a excellent beginning and helps us to manage low moods.  Then, when you are ready, try some different (more hope inspiring) thoughts.

Another way to change your thoughts is to focus on the present moment.  Instead of letting negative thoughts take over when you're driving in the rain or snow, notice the sound of the rain drops moment to moment.  Or notice how the light changes as you drive along.  Instead of looking out the window and having gloomy thoughts about weather out there, pick one object you see outside and fully describe it to yourself.  Enjoy each detail of that object and then move on to something else happening only in this moment.  Become aware of this moment.  Appreciate now.  This moment will never be available again.  So take life one minute at a time......   And remember....

Spring is coming.....

"Life stands before me like an eternal spring with new and brilliant clothes."
Carl Friedrich Gauss