Imprefection

"There's a crack in everything.  That's how the light gets in."  Leonard Cohen.

Culture tends to tell us to get better, to reach higher...and to ignore or hide our faults.  I'm all for reaching higher.  But sometimes the way to get there is through our faults, failure, quirks, or "cracks."  When we are pretending we have it all together, we're expending energy that might be better spent learning from our faults.  When we're hiding our faults or "cracks" we're not reaching for where we want to go.

The next time you get anxious, worried, or feel guilty, try something new.  Think to yourself, this is a chance for me to learn and grow.  What can this feeling teach me about myself and the world?  Guilt can help us get ready to apologize for something we said without thinking.  Facing our anxiety, a little bit at a time, can help us to do things we've always wanted to do.  For example, going to a new group, even though meeting new people make us anxious, can allow us to learn new skills or make new friends.  Dr. Marsha Linehan (pyscholgist and author) ties this acceptance or welcoming of unpleasant emotions to "opposite action" as a way to get over problems we face*.   The idea is to identify the action that an emotion wants us to do and then do the opposite.  For example, depressed feelings tend to make us want to withdraw and/or isolate.  The opposite action would be to exercise or engage.  So using opposite action to decrease depression means engaging or going out when you feel like staying in.  Try using opposite action to grow yourself as follows:

-If you feel depressed and want to stay in bed all day, instead go out for a walk.
-If you feel sad, watch a funny movie.
-If you're attracted to something you would rather avoid, walk away from it.
-If you feel frightened of something you want to learn to do/use, watch others doing it.

The basic idea is to let our "cracks" teach us.  Be open to letting your feelings, no matter how uncomfortable, teach us.

*One clarification, it is also important to allow ourselves to experience our unpleasant emotions.  Opposite action is for times when we've decided we spent too much time depressed or sad or angry.  But before trying opposite action (to get rid of the feelings) it's important to first experience the feeling fully and accept it.

Gloomy Weather

"Never cut a tree down in the wintertime.  Never make a negative decision in a low time. Never make your most important decisions when you are in your worst moods.  Wait.  Be patient.  The storm will pass.  The spring will come."  Robert Schuller

In February it's not unusual to get depressed at continued short days and colder weather.  Sunny days make most of us feel happy, and cold cloudy days can make us feel sad.  What can we do to improve our mood when it rains for days or we're trapped inside due to bad weather?

In February it's helpful to remember that the sun is returning.  Today in Seneca the sunrise was at 7:20am.  On December 1st, 2012 the sun rose at 7:12am.  Today the sun will set at 6:05pm and December 1 it set at 5:15pm.  Today's a considerably longer day.  Make a point of noticing how the days are getting longer.  During your morning routine notice which part is light now that used to be dark.  When the time changed in November, I got up, ate breakfast and left for work in the dark.  Although it's still dark when I wake up, when I eat breakfast and leave for work it's light now.  If you're a sun lover, noticing the lengthening days is a way to inspire hope and remind yourself the sunny times are increasing.

Also, be sure to spend time in the sun each day.  Besides the sun helping our bodies make Vitamin D, there's also research that says many people are happier with more sun exposure (remember you get sun benefits even if it's cloudy).  A walk on a cold day is good for your health and your mood.

If it's raining or snowing and you can't do your usual outdoor activities, try to re-frame your thoughts.  For example, when it rains and I can't go for my usual walk, I remember how the rain is nourishing the plants and helping my garden grow.  When it's snowing, although I find the driving difficult, I remember how much children and families are enjoying playing in the snow.  What's an aspect of the weather you don't like?  How do others rejoice in that very weather?  Does focusing on them help you lighten your mood?

Our thoughts affect our moods.  What we think can lead to pleasant and unpleasant feelings.  The first step towards changing our bad moods is simply noticing thoughts that are bringing us down.  So notice how you think about the weather.  Accept your thoughts and your moods.  Noticing negative thoughts and accepting low moods is already a excellent beginning and helps us to manage low moods.  Then, when you are ready, try some different (more hope inspiring) thoughts.

Another way to change your thoughts is to focus on the present moment.  Instead of letting negative thoughts take over when you're driving in the rain or snow, notice the sound of the rain drops moment to moment.  Or notice how the light changes as you drive along.  Instead of looking out the window and having gloomy thoughts about weather out there, pick one object you see outside and fully describe it to yourself.  Enjoy each detail of that object and then move on to something else happening only in this moment.  Become aware of this moment.  Appreciate now.  This moment will never be available again.  So take life one minute at a time......   And remember....

Spring is coming.....

"Life stands before me like an eternal spring with new and brilliant clothes."
Carl Friedrich Gauss 

Work the soil

"To me poor people are like bonsai trees. When you plant the best seed of the tallest tree in a flower-pot, you get a replica of the tallest tree, only inches tall. There is nothing wrong with the seed you planted, only the soil-base that is too inadequate. Poor people are bonsai people. There is nothing wrong in their seeds. Simply, society never gave them the base to grow on. All it needs to get the poor people out of poverty for us to create an enabling environment for them. Once the poor can unleash their energy and creativity, poverty will disappear very quickly."
-Muhammad Yunus

I like gardening.  And how true it is that better soil produces better plants.  I also like working the soil around people.  Sometimes they need better nutrients, but sometimes they just need the soil turned over a bit or a larger pot. 

One of the best ways to feel better yourself is to help someone else.  Research* suggests that there's a strong relationship between volunteering and health (lower motrality rates, greater functional ability, lower rates of depression in later life).  Although it is not clear from the research that it is the volunteering that reduces depression or mortality or increases functionality, experts tend to agree that helping others tends to help the helper.  For example, the helper while volunteering is spending less time focusing on their own problems since they are helping someone else with their unique (and different) problems.  In the study older persons had higher benefits from volunteering, perhaps it gives them a physical activity, a sense of purpose, and social interactions at a time when these are otherwise changing or disappearing.  (Another reason could be that they face a higher incidence of illness as they age.)  The study also suggested that spending more than 100 hours per year was more likely to lead to positive health outcomes.

So get out there an volunteer! There are many agencies that could use your help.  People who volunteer say that the work helps them more than they help those they are asked to serve.  Here's a few agencies to consider (or look up volunteering on your city or county's website):

Big Brother, Big Sister

Meals on Wheels

Free Clinics
Senior Centers
Head Start
Public Libraries

In Seneca/Clemson South Carolina, look up:

Our Daily Rest (lunch served)

Our Daily Bread (homeless shelter)

ReWiGo (repair and ramp building for the poor)

Senior Solutions (inclues Meals on Wheels)

Foothills YMCA 

Oconee Medical Center

Rosa Clark Medical Clinic and Clemson Free Clinic

Clemson Child Development Center

SMURFs

*Corperation for National and Community Service report titled The Health Benefits of Volunteering:  A Review of Recent Research, 2007.  http://www.nationalservice.gov/pdf/07_0506_hbr.pdf

Planning vs. Being

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."  Joseph Campbell

Part of what makes us move ahead and be motivated is our goals, plans, and dreams.  Plans are important, but putting too much focus into the plans can make us miss the life we have now.  We can hope one day to be healthy, or have/heal that special relationship, or.....  But look at all the beauty and pleasure we might miss if we only focus on getting there.  Even though we are sick, we can enjoy the taste of a favorite dish, the smile of our grandchild, the rainbow or sunset we happened to see.   Or more simply we can enjoy that we are breathing and our heart is beating and this very moment is alive with sensations and experiences.  If we notice them, they will bring peace and/or joy to our hearts.

So by all means plan and dream.  But in between the times when you're thinking about your plans, remember to enjoy this one moment.  You won't have a chance to experience it again.

Here's an idea to appreciate the present when you wake up in the mornings:

As you wake notice your breath and be grateful for it's rhythm and constant presence.  Notice the motion of the breath in and out.  Enjoy it.  Then notice what else is working well in your body, your heart is beating, you can see, hear, etc.  Feel the bedsheets, pillows and cool air with your hands and face.  Enjoy those sensations.  Be grateful for all the blessing of your body and your bed.  Look around your room and be grateful for all the things you have and enjoy.  Listen to the sounds you hear and be grateful for the clock, cars, neighbors, family....  Take time with each sound to really listen to it and enjoy its beauty.  Use your other senses (smell and taste) to notice your surroundings and be grateful. Do this slowly and focus on as many or as few things/people as you wish. Take time to be grateful for your body, possessions, loved ones, and the world around you one by one. Then when you're ready return your attention to your breath and feel each breath in and out.  Experience the motion, smells and sensations that breathing brings you and enjoy the moment.

Positive psychology research has leaned that gratitude is a trait of people who are more happy than average.  So as you enjoy the moments of your day, be grateful.  May you be happy, may you be peaceful, may you have joy in your moments today.

Resolutions

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."  Dr. Seuss

In January we tend to make resolutions.  And it's a good habit for many because it encourages us to be healthier, happier, more motivated, more organized .... you name it.   So I encourage you to make a resolution today.  But keep in mind as you do that New Year's resolutions tend to be focused on both the past and the future.  You think about what you didn't like in the past and/or what you want in the future.  Although focus on the past and present is not harmful, it does tend to keep us from appreciating the present moment.  For example, thinking about how I want to be fitter, might cause me to not notice what's beautiful about me right now.  Or thinking about how I want to be a more loving friend (or parent or caregiver),  might lead me to repeat negative thoughts about myself that I'm actually trying to unlearn.  And if I start to feel guilty about how I didn't keep my resolution, I many create even more negative thoughts often followed by unpleasant emotions.  All this can lead us to miss out on a beautiful scene out the window, the smile of a friend, or the comfortable chair/room/house we're in (not to mention missing hitting the resolution).

So by all means make a resolution (or two?), but consider making a now-focused (or mindful) resolution this year that helps you stay focused on the present moment with awareness.  Here's a few ideas:

-See something beautiful you haven't noticed before today.

-Spend time each week (or day?) being totally present with a loved one.

-Find a new mundane task each week (month?) to start doing mindfully.

-Take time to notice the sounds, smells, sights, and textues when you eat something.

-Take six deep breaths before starting a difficult task (or getting together with a difficult person).

-Notice the sensations when eating, washing dishes, showering, walking....

-Sit still for 3 minutes when you get to (or off) work to just appreciate the now.

-Take at least 10 breaths each day mindfully.

-Stretch (or exercise) and really notice what happens when you stretch.

-Smile or laugh more and enjoy doing it.

-Smile at least part the day each day when you're at work.

-Read something just for pleasure each week (day?) and enjoy the time as you're reading.

-Start list of things you're grateful for and add to it each day (week?).

-Be grateful when doing chores (e.g. thankful for the garbage collectors who will take away this trash or for the plumbing that works).

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.”
― Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi

Music

“Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent.” 
― Victor Hugo

Music is one of the few things we do that involves the whole brain.  Every culture uses music, and you don't need to understand their language to appreciate their music.  Music has been shown to have psysiological benefits.  Studies have shown that music can lower your blood pressure, reduce the sensation and distress of chronic and post-operative pain, reduce the frequency, intensity, and duration of migraines, and improve the post-operative recovery of strokes.

Of course, we don't all agree on what music is soothing or healing.  What is soothing to me might be annoying to you.  Be almost everyone could name a song (or type of music) that they find soothing.  So today, find some time to listen to music that is healing for you.  And if you are feeling stressed or in pain, take 5 minutes to listen to your favorite song.  This is a treatment that is free and most people enjoy "taking."  All that is needed is willingness to use your time to help yourself (spending time on what is important instead of what is urgent).  If you don't have a way to play the music from a speaker, play it for yourself in your head.

Loss

“You never know what you have till you've lost it.” 
― Alyson Noel, Evermore

Loss is an inevitable part of live.  So is the attachment to people and things.  We must all learn to accept change and loss.  But it is not easy.  Feelings of sadness, denial, anger, fear, and confusion are common when you have lost someone or something that was precious to you.  It's important to accept and experience these feelings rather than pushing them away.  Some quiet time after a loss becomes more important.  You can take the time to feel and to grieve.

Try the three minute breathing space.  For about three minutes (and no, don't time yourself) take some deep breaths.  Try to clear your mind from thoughts of what has happened or what you must do next.  Just be......, feel....., breathe....  When thoughts come, acknowledge them, let them go, return your attention to your breath.   Just be.... for about three minutes.   Then .... name the feeling your are experiencing right now.  Whether you like them or not, just name them.  And try to accept the feelings as part of your life in this moment.  

Describing what sensations feelings cause in your body can help you to accept them.  Does the feeling make your breathing change, change your heart rate, make you warmer/colder, tenser, heavier/lighter, tired/more energetic, etc.  For example, many people notice when they are sad their breathing slows, they feel tired or weak, and their heart rate slows.  Others notice they feel colder.  Your experiences may be different.  Just describe the sensations you feel.

Through acceptance of feelings we can become more accepting of change.....and thereby more accepting of loss.  Because.....

“eventually, everything goes away.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

It's not unusual to be afraid of loss and therefore, to become afraid of attachment.  However, a life without people we love and things that we enjoy might not be very joyful or fulfilling.  So continue to love.  And continue to be aware of change.  And learn to accept your feelings more and more each day.

“It's so much darker when a light goes out than it would have been if it had never shone.”
― John Steinbeck, The Winter of Our Discontent