The Ten Absolutes for Caregivers

Jo Huey, a nurse, wrote these 10 absolutes for caregivers taking care of someone with dementia:

1.   Never argue, instead agree.
2.   Never reason, instead divert.
3.   Never shame, instead distract.
4.   Never lecture, instead reassure.
5.   Never “remember,” instead reminisce.
6.   Never say “I told you,” instead repeat.
7.   Never say “you can’t,” instead say “do what you can.”
8.   Never command or demand, instead ask or model.
9.    Never condescend, instead encourage or praise.
10. Never force, instead reinforce. 

Caregivers find it hard to stop using reason with their loved one, especially if the person with dementia was an engineer, lawyer, planner or was always very reasonable before dementia.  But once the disease starts, no amount of reasoning or logical discussions will convince them that their version of reality is not real.  In fact, being reasonable, a skill that works well in most other situations, can actually escalate arguements when talking to someone with dementia.  Just like we often can't reason with a toddler, we also can't reason with someone who is now losing skills they learned as a child.  (Note that we unlearn things in the same order we learned them before as a child).

Here's a place where Lily Tomlin can help us:  "Reality is the leading cause of stress of those in touch with it." 

Allow your care reciever to have their own reality.  Let them enjoy it, and don't talk them out of it.  Your job as the caregiver is to eliminate conflict and provide saftey and purpose in life when you can.  And of course, your job is to take care of yourself.  Cut down the arguements, and enjoy the moments that you are given with your loved one.

Consider posting Huey's 10 Abolutes in a place you see daily to remind you.

Living Humbly

We live in a culture of sacristy. Thousands of advertisements tell us we need to get something to be happy and fulfilled. Implied is the idea that we do not have enough or that life is is always about getting more. The idea of scarcity and advertisements do help businesses sell products and help companies grow.  But does it help people, our culture, or our mental and physical health?

If we believe the notion that we don't have enough, we spend our lives striving to make more money, get a better job or home, find the right friends, ....   In other words we focus on the future, improvement, and what we want.  There's nothing wrong with improving and changing.  But if it becomes our only focus, and we forget to enjoy the present, this culture of scarsity can lead to a life of busy-ness, striving, a life with few margins or room for spontaneity...a life with little gratitude or joy.

If you've noticed yourself rushing, having few times of contentment or gratitude, or constant fatigue, perhaps you need a vacation (or stay-cation) from the culture of scarsity. Take on week (day, hour, year) to be fully in the culture of plenty.  Spend time each day being grateful for what you already have, don't go shopping (even on-line shopping), avoid advertisements, use the time you normally shop or watch to do something you really enjoy.  Do something spontaneous. Live simply during you stay-cation. Instead of going out to eat, cook from the things in your home. Play a card game instead of watching TV. Call or visit a friend whom you enjoy being with. Have unplanned time each day. End each day making a list of what is plentiful and joyful in you life. Think of simple activities you enjoyed when you were younger and do one.  If you have a child or pet allow them to set the agenda for some play time and learn from them how they take pleasure.  Kids and pets are great teachers in living in the present.

Stop trying to work things out before their time has come. Accept limitations living one day at day at time. Enjoy each moment. Just be.


“You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment. Fools stand on their island of opportunities and look toward another land. There is no other land; there is no other life but this.”  H. D. Thoreau

Thank Goodness for Problems!

“It is in the whole process of meeting and solving problems that life has meaning. Problems are the cutting edge that distinguishes between success and failure. Problems call forth our courage and our wisdom; indeed, they create our courage and our wisdom. It is only because of problems that we grow mentally and spiritually. It is through the pain of confronting and resolving problems that we learn.” ― M. Scott Peck

All of us prefer to avoid problems.  But when we think back on the important things we learned in life, we realize that most of our strengths today come from handling problems in the past.  The challenge  is when we face a problem to day we to be able to be grateful for the problem.  Unfortunately, we don't know what we're learning as we're tackling the problem, and we may face some uncomfortable feelings.  But facing the problem with acceptance instead of avoiding the problem may help us to solve it and grow.

Pain cannot be avoided.  But suffering (pain - acceptance) can be avoided.  Face your pain.  Accept your problems.  Take a deep breath and live yourself into the answers to the problems you face.  If you're in a dark tunnel at present, and the light at the end is small or even invisible, keep hope alive that there is light at the end.  And keep walking until you see it.  Hope will walk with you.

"Hope, like a stranger, came to my door


I was afraid, I was rude
"What are you coming here for?
Have you come to stay
Or are you just passing through?
I've seen your face
But I do not know you"
And he said, "You know me,
But I've had to remain
Hidden in the shadows
Of your sorrow and pain
For you have lived your life
As a slave, so it seems
Believing your nightmares
Instead of your dreams."  Bob Bennett

Be the Change

Marketers suggest that we can buy a certain item can make us happy.  When you go to a doctor you can get a pill to help you solve almost any problem.  Insurances promises to make you secure.  Advisers promise if you use their services you will become rich, healthy, ...  But unfortunately many problems continue even after buying the item, seeing the doctor, or taking the medication.  Although it's true insurance, pills, people and things can help us, often it takes an investment of our own time and effort into a problem before it gets better.

"Be the change you want to see in the world" Gandhi said.  Instead of hoping for others to solve our problems (or the world's problems) we need to learn to see how we can make a difference for ourselves (and others) now.  So next time you have a problem that you thinking shopping, medicine, government, or some expert can fix, consider first what you can do to be the change you want.

Most of us would benefit from getting more exercise.  It would help us pay attention, have more energy, be less depressed, decrease the likelihood of getting dementia and heart disease, and if we walked in our own neighborhood we might improve our relationships with neighbors or make new friends.  Almost everyone I work with knows that exercise would help them, but few people are willing to make the changes necessary to make exercise a regular part of their lives.  Why?  The answer is different for everyone but inertia, or the tendency to stay where we are, is often a large part of the reason.

Most of us could eat better.  If we ate less that was bad for us (sugar, fatty foods, alcohol, etc.) and more that was good for us (fresh fruits and veggies, homemade items, etc.) our hearts, minds, and bodies would be healthier, have more energy, and if we cooked with friends or family it might even improve our relationships.  If we started growing some of our own food, we have the chance to exercise while we're eating better.  Again, most people know that they need to improve their diet, but they resist the messages their body is sending regarding foods.

Eating right and exercising take more time than just taking a pill.  Many skills or techniques like meditation for example take an investment of time and effort on our part before we can reap the benefits.  The benefits often outweigh the effort, but you only notice the benefit after many hours of practice.

“Make the most of yourself....for that is all there is of you.”  R. W. Emerson

Quick fixes are attractive because they are so simple.  But the key to our health and well being lies in our own hands.  We need to decide what is needed to be healthier and happier.  So long as we assume someone else (be that a doctor or family member) holds the key to solving a problem we are facing, we can't really make changes.  So accept what your are, define what you need to change, and then start the hard working of being the change you want to see in your world.

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” Carl R. Rogers

What is FEAR?

What is F E A R to you?

False Evidence Appearing Real
Failure Expected And Received
Forget (or F...) Everything And Run
Frantic Efforts to Appear Recovered (Real)
Feeling Everything's Really Awful
Few Arrive Ever Rejoicing
False Expectations (Egos, Evidence, Emotions, Experiences..) Appearing Real
Feelings Every Alcoholic Rejects
Forever Escaping And Retreating
Fools Every Alcoholic Repeatedly
Forgetting Everything About Reality
Future Events Already Ruined
Forgetting Everything's All Right
Forgetting Everything About Reality

Notice that many of these acronyms have a focus on the future.  We are thinking about the future and we become afraid.  

Try choosing to be in the present instead.  Notice I said choose.  Fear will arise.  It's unclear if we have the power to stop fear from coming into our bodies and awareness.  It's pretty clear that when fear has arrived it will affect our physical bodies, our experience of the present, and our hopes, feelings, and awareness.  Fear changes us.  So when it arrives.... notice it... and...

CHOOSE to BE in the PRESENT....

Breathe...now...this one moment...notice what fear does to your heart rate, breathing, temperature, thoughts, feelings, hopes, awareness....

Now choose to be present....instead of thinking the thoughts that fear brings on...just be... breathe...notice...be aware....

Take this moment to notice something in the present and fully experience it.  Perhaps use beginner's mind to notice some object near you.  Afterwards, notice how your fear and your awareness has changed.

There's enough energy right now to handle the present, not all that might come in the future (and has happened in the past).  So CHOOSE to stay in the present....

Breathe....

Chronic Pain Relief

Although you might not think so at first, pain is a helpful trait of your body.  It lets you know that something is wrong and needs to be changed.   If you touch a hot stove, it's the pain that makes you move your hand.  Pain is the main reason people visit their doctor, since it is often the first sign of many diseases.  Because of pain many people have found out what disease processes were happening in their bodies and got needed treatment.

But let's face it, we don't like pain.  We especially don't like pain that stays around. Chronic pain is sometimes lasts weeks, months, or years.  It is not uncommon for people to continue to suffer from pain even after having a medical treatment for the problem.  For example, most people know at least one person who had back surgery but still suffers from chronic back pain.  Chronic pain is the reason Americans are buying more pain killers than ever before.  46% of Americans say they suffered from pain in the last 2 weeks.  20% of Americans say physical pain disrupts their sleep one or more nights a week.

All pain and illness is probably a result of both physical and mental causes.  Physical causes for pain are numerous and include physical illnesses, inflammation, tissue damage, medication side effects, and chemical changes in the body.  Mental causes for pain can include worry, stress, fear, and faulty belief systems.

Pain cannot be avoided.  Unfortunately all of us will experience pain in life at some point.  But suffering, which is pain minus the acceptance of the pain, can be avoided.   To avoid suffering one must learn to accept pain or learn to resist pain less.  We can know we are suffering if we are grimacing, teeth grinding, having self-punitive thoughts, seeking to avoid thinking about pain, wishing constantly for relief (e.g. attachment to finding a cure), or feel depressed, angry, or afraid of our chronic pain.  Everyone suffers when they experience pain.  Suffering leads to tight muscles, and perhaps a fight/flight/freeze stress reaction.  This stress reaction changes the way our bodies work and may even increase the pain.

So what's the solution?  First of all go see a doctor and get medical help.  If the only medical solution you've found after trying several treatments is pain medication, and you would prefer not to take so many pills, consider steps you can take yourself.  Learn to accept the pain (not the suffering).  Radically accept the pain.  Allow yourself to experience the pain as it is in this present moment.  Instead of letting the pain be a distraction from your work or relationships, give the pain a few moments of undivided attention every day.  Accept the pain of the moment and let go of the pain from the past and potential pain in the future.  For just a moment, allow yourself to experience the pain without thinking about a potential cure or wishing for a solution.  Don't think punishing thoughts about why you are having pain, simply experience it or describe it to yourself.  Notice ways your thoughts are making the pain worse (do you catastrophize, worry so much you get tense in your shoulders and neck or get a headache?).  Just accept the thoughts you have without judging them.  Then go back to observing the pain:  the sensations, the throbbing, the minute by minute changes in the intensity and location of the pain.  Watch.  Observe.  Allow.  Accept....

Although this mindfulness exercise won't take away the pain, it may reduce the suffering.  And with practice you may be able to reduce the level of chronic pain and enjoy your life more.  Try googling mindfulness for pain relief and try a few meditations.  One from my website is here.  For more on this method see www.backsense.org.

Other methods you can use to reduce suffering include changes in diet, behavioral therapy, exercise, physical therapy, evaluation of sleep habits, reduction of substance use, acupuncture, energy therapy, EFT (emotional freedom technique), chiropractic care, and changes in lifestyle and habits.  When you visit your doctor, ask them to give you more than pain killers.  Ask them for what lifestyle changes you can make that would reduce the suffering and pain.  If your physician doesn't know wholisitic methods, look for other health care professionals and/or health coaches in your area that can help you.  Don't forget to ask your friends what methods they have used and which professionals have helped them.  (Note: licensed professionals for whom you have several positive references are your best source of alternative care.)

Cures for Depression

Depression affects approximately one in 10 Americans (Centers for Disease control), although it affects everyone at different levels.  Depression is costly and debilitating for many, a passing nuisance for others, or a recurring down experience.  No matter how it affects you, you have probably looked for an antidote or "cure" for depression.

Medication is one of the most common treatments for depression, and is pretty easy often only requiring taking one or two bills per day.  Talk to your doctor about which medication is best for you.  Remember you may need to try several before you find the one that works best for your body.  If medication is not working for you or not providing enough relief, remember it's only one antidote.  Try some of these depression killers:

Counseling:  Talking out what's hurting can help you develop new ways of thinking and new ways of coping.  Many people find after effective counseling they can decrease or end their use of medications.

Exercise:  Instead of (or in addition to) taking medications, take your body's medication for depression.  The way to activate your body's chemicals is aerobic exercise.  I recommend 30-90 minutes aerobic exercise 5 days a week.  You're looking for exercise that makes your heart rate go up.  For example, swimming, jazzercise, aerobics classes, walking fast, running, playing soccer, etc.  Find something you enjoy doing and consider varying the activity from day to day.   Strength training is also beneficial.  Although you won't see an immediate benefit in the first week of exercise, over time you'll find adding the body's chemicals will counter depression (and has no side effects, except perhaps weight loss).

Sunlight:  If you lived in Alaska or Norway, you'd notice how many people get depressed in winter when full sunlight is available less than 4 hours a day.  If you're feeling down go outside on sunny days.  If you add a walk or a visit with a neighbor, you're doing two depression busters at once!  If you tend to get depressed in the winter, notice how sunset gets later each day after Dec. 21.   Consider getting a "sun" lamp for in your home.

Diet:  Eat some depression busters.  Foods that nutritionists suggest may counter depression include  cashews, brazil nuts, whole grain oats, brown rice, cabbage, raw cocoa, foods with Omega-3 fatty acids (like salmon and tuna), brewers's yeasts, hot peppers, and other whole grains like quinoa, kamut and spelt.  Talk to a health coach or nutritionist for advise specific to your body and/or medical conditions.  Or do a web search on foods that have helped others.  Don't forget to avoid foods that can lead to depression like foods high in sugar or fat, excessive coffee or alcohol.