When many people are enjoying celebrations with friends and family, people who lost a loved one recently may be dreading facing holiday traditions, family gatherings, music, and memories. Sadness, loneliness, anger, preoccupation, envy, and yearning don’t seem to fit the holiday mood and can crop up at a moment’s notice. What can you do to make survive this "happy" season?
First, consider what’s most important this holiday. Is it being with family, taking time off, creating a beautiful home, celebrating spiritual beliefs, exchanging gifts, being a peacemaker, or helping others? Let your top values help you choose which traditions to celebrate this year. A recent loss gives you permission to make changes in holiday traditions. Rabbi Dr. Earl Grollman, certified Death educator and counselor, offers the following suggestions of for new traditions after a loss: ceremoniously place an ornament/decoration that recognizes the loved one’s favorite hobby/interest, ask the youngest family member sit in the loved one’s seat at the holiday dinner, have family members stuff her stocking with written memories of her throughout the season (later read when all are together), share memories of him around a the holiday meal, play her favorite song, look through past photo albums, encourage family to "give him" a donation to his favorite charity, or serve one of her favorite foods for the meal (even if it’s jelly beans or bratwurst). Although one can’t predict how one will react emotionally during the holidays, having a plan and a new tradition can help reduce worry and even create excitement about something new. Just before holiday events, think ahead so there’s a place you can retreat to for privacy and a designated person (ask them ahead of time) to step into your role in case you need some time alone. For help, call in “anything I can do” favors. Your friends will welcome a chance to help you decorate, cook, write cards, visit, or shop. Pay extra attention to self-care: accept your feelings and let them out, get enough sleep, eat healthy, drink sensibly, and exercise (aerobic exercise improves mood). Finally, consider doing something for someone else. Research shows that we often feel better when we help others.
What if you’re helping someone grieving? Instead of saying “let me know if I can help,” offer specific help. Consider inviting them to your home for a holiday dinner or offering to help decorate or address cards. Suggest a visit and ask specifically about how they are doing after their loved one’s death this season. Be sure to use their loved one’s name (too often after death we stop using the name and this becomes almost a second loss for the griever). Then be a listener. Don’t offer advice, instead say things like “that makes sense” or “that must be hard.” Be flexible allowing your friend to decline offers now, but remember to check in later.
Sadness and tears may be part of this holiday, but happy memories can be as well. Focus on what is best for you and your loved ones, be spontaneous and flexible, and allow the feelings to flow whatever they may be. Need extra help with your grief? Consider joining a grief support group. Groups are offered throughout the year at GHS Hospice of the Foothills (390 Keowee School Road, Seneca). Call 864-882-8940 for more information. Or Google a support group on line. For example, if you lost a child check out Compassionate Friends where others write about how they handle the holidays. If your grief seems to complicate all aspects of you life even months or years later, talk about it and consider making an appointment with a counselor.
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