Thankfulness leads to Increased Joy

Do you remember how happy you could be when you were a child?  Most adults, on the other hand,  approach joy with some foreboding.  When something good happens, we are waiting for the other shoe to drop.  When we notice our happiness, we sometimes fear losing the source of happiness.  Ah, what we can all learn from children....

How to we learn to fully experience joy again?  Researchers has begun to find some clues.  In one study* three groups were asked to write a few sentences each week on the following topics:  what they were grateful for, daily irritations that displeased them, or events that affected them (no emphasis on positive or negative).  After 10 weeks, those whose assignment was to write about gratitude were more optimistic, felt better about their lives, exercised more, and had fewer visits to the doctor that those who wrote about sources of irritation.  In another study**, participants were asked to write a letter of gratitude to someone they had never thanked for their kindness and deliver it to the person.  Participants who did this reported huge increases in happiness scores.

Making a practice of gratitude can increase your happiness and make you more able to experience joy in your daily life.  And perhaps focusing on the negatives can decrease your ability to experience joy.  After Thanksgiving day, we are all more aware of the practice of thanksgiving.  Why not resolve to make the practice of gratitude a daily or weekly practice in your life.  Consider the following approaches:

1.  Start of list of 1000 things you are grateful for.  Add more to it each day or week.  (see more on this in the book One Thousand Gifts by Anne Voskamp).  Monthly read through what you've written in the past.

2.  Each morning as you're waking yourself up, name 5 things you're thankful for.  Don't forget to include a warm blanket, a comfortable pillow, and running water.  Remembering things we take for granted can help us experience more joy.

3. Write a letter to someone who you are grateful to and mail it.  Consider taking the time to handwrite the letter to make it more personal.  Or look up the person and give them a call.

4.  When a sales person, colleague, or neighbor is efficient and helpful, thank them on the spot.

5.  If you have a spiritual practice such as prayer, consider including thanksgiving more often.

6.  Notice people who you know that are happy and consider if they are practicing gratitude regularly.  Or even ask them?

7.  Start a gratitude board on your wall or your computer.  Add to it when you see it.  Encourage others in your family to do the same.

8.  When you write a Christmas card or birthday greeting to a friend, consider including what you appreciate about them in your note.

9.  Make appreciation part of your relationships.  Make a special time (perhaps at meals) to have everyone in the family share about what they appreciate about one member of the family.  The next day/week, choose someone else.

10.  When you do need to correct or disciple someone, start with what you appreciate or what they did right before explaining what they can do better.  Research on criticism suggest that children should hear 10 positives/praise for every one negative/correction they hear.  So start with 3-5 things they did right before providing correction.  If you're a teacher or manager, see how you can incorporate praise into your feedback.  Here's some ideas on feedback from Brene' Brown:  http://brenebrown.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/DaringGreatly-EngagedFeedback-8x10.pdf
11.  Start a file folder (actually or on your computer) of thank you notes.  When you get one or a letter that talks about how you helped someone, add it to the folder.  When you feel down or just randomly when you're digging through your files, go read through the folder.

*Dr. Robert A. Emmons of the University of California, Davis, and Dr. Michael E. McCullough of the University of Miami, have done much of the research on gratitude.

**Dr. Martin E. P. Seligman, a psychologist at the University of Pennsylvania, tested the impact of various positive psychology interventions on 411 people.

Letter to your Future Self

When you feel good and strong consider writing a letter to yourself that you will read at times you feel vulnerable.  Give yourself advise on how to cope and get better from your strong self to your vulnerable self.  You know best what it feels like to be depressed, anxious, or discouraged.  Here’s some things to include in your letter:

•  Validation or acceptance of your vulnerable self’s feelings.
• What things the strong-you does that make you feel better (exercise, positive thoughts, healthy diet, mindfulness, supportive friends…).
• What helped you leave behind depression or anxiety in the past.
• Affirmations that you need when feeling weak (others care, every day is a new day, you’ve done this before, it will pass, I love you,…).

·      Advise on what to NOT do as you know from experience (drink, isolate, overeat, negative self-talk).

·      Your personal resources and strengths (intelligence, empathy, energy, caring…).

·      Be supportive, compassionate, caring, encouraging, and understanding of your vulnerable self.

·      Say something hopeful (but believable, remember in dark times no one believes euphemisms)

Helpful thoughts?

"As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind.  To make a deep physical path, we must  walk again and again.  To make a deep mental path we must think again and again the kind of thought we want to dominate our lives."  D. Thoreau

When you catch yourself saying "I'm not good enough" or "I never do anything right" and any other destructive thought, take note of this unhelpful path in your mind.  Don't be judgmental about this thought, just notice the thoughts that don't help.*  And then start walking down the path you want to make instead.  Tell yourself "I'm doing the best I can" or "I've handled problems before and I can do it again."  Repeat phrases that you want to hear over and over again.  Maybe you even want to write a card to remind yourself of these positive thoughts or put a reminder on your phone or computer to read the thoughts to yourself.  Negative thoughts may have become a habit, but you can make positive thoughts become a stronger habit (or path).  If you work on this every day, within one month you could notice the more positive path becoming a habit (or at least being "louder" than the unhelpful thoughts).  Below are some suggested coping thoughts.  Choose and adapt the ones you like best.  Better still, write your own.

Today is a new day and I can live it fully.
I can be anxious and still deal with ________.
This isn't an emergency.  It's ok to think slowly about what I need to do.
This isn't the worst thing that could happen.
There is no need to push myself.  I can take as small a step forward as I choose.
I can figure out what I need right now.
I have the time to spend on taking care of myself.  I'm important.
I don't need these thoughts.  I can choose different ways of thinking.
I've survived this before and I'll survive this time too.
I can take all the time I need to relax and let go.
I deserve to feel ok (or ______) right now.
I'll just let my body react to this.  I know it will pass.
Don't worry.  Be happy.
I'm special.  I'm loved.
Fighting and resisting isn't going to help.  So I'll just let it pass.
This moment is special and I'm going to enjoy the present now.
I'm doing my best and I'm taking care of myself.


*Unhelpful thoughts were often "intalled" in our brains in childhood and come without us wishing for them.  By resisting them or scolding yourself for them, you may not help yourself.  But by simply noticing and accepting them as something our mind does, you can move past them to more helpful thoughts.

How To Get Back to Sleep

If you sometimes wake up in the night and can't get back to sleep, you're in good company.  Approximate one-third of Americans wake in the night, and about half of those have trouble falling back asleep.  Sleep experts tell us it's normal to wake sometimes during sleep.  If you wake, roll over, and go back to sleep, you don't have a problem.  But if you are awake for 20 minutes (or longer), you  might need some help.*  What can you do when you want to go back to sleep?  Here's a couple ideas:

1.  Body Scan:  Starting at your toes, finger, or head, scan through your whole body, noticing each part and asking it it relax.  Here's a link to a body scan you can use:  http://www.mindfulmomentsinsc.com/files/Exercises/BodyScan.mp3
2. Noticing texture:  Put your hands on two different textures in your bed (e.g. sheet and blanket or skin and cloth).  Notice the difference between your two palms (rough, smooth, cool, warm, soft, hard...).  Then move your hands slightly and notice the difference.  Then be still again and notice the difference. Move one hand to another object with a different texture and notice the difference again.  This exercise helps pull you into the current moment helping you appreciate your bed and perhaps taking away your thoughts from worry or racing thoughts.
3.  Counting your breath:  Count your exhale length and inhale length. (Ideally the exhale should be as long as or longer than the inhale.)  Then add a number to each inhale and exhale making the breath longer and deeper.  Keep adding numbers until your breath is quite deep, perhaps reaching 10.  Don't go so deep that it hurts.  Then make the breath shorter again, going down in length from 10 to 9 to ... to 2 to 1.  Now breathe normally again, enjoying each inhale and exhale.  Or try this meditation:  http://www.mindfulmomentsinsc.com/files/Exercises/ObservingYourBreath.mp3
4. Neuromuscular Relaxation:  Tighten your fist and hold it tight for 10 seconds.  Notice how tight it gets and perhaps even notice how your arm and shoulder feels tense.  Now relax it and notice the difference.  Repeat twice.  Leave arm still as relaxed as you tighten your other fist.  Relax.  Repeat.  Now tighten your foot, or forehead, or upper arm.  Always holding contraction for 10 seconds, then releasing and noticing the difference.  When you move to a new area, keep the other parts of your body still.  Relax your whole body this way until you fall asleep.
5. Going to a relaxing place:  In your mind go to a place that is very relaxing for you (the beach, forest, a special bedroom, with a loved person...).  Describe to yourself all you see there.  Then describe the sounds, touch, taste and smell.  Really go there and relax.  Breath out tension and breathe in peace.
6.  If you've tried these and other ideas and still can't sleep after about 20 minutes get up and do something else.  It might even be good to have a sofa or comfy chair all set up (with an extra blanket and pillow?) before going to bed.  Go and do something relaxing in another room (ideas below).  And if you fall asleep there, allow that.  Or once you feel sleepy go back to your bed.

Staying in bed when you can't sleep and worrying about not being able to sleep is unlikely to lead to sleep (and gets into the habit of not sleeping when in bed).  So get out of bed to do something else to stop the worry and the tension associated with worry.

Ideas of what to do when you get out of bed in the night because you can't sleep:
1.  Drink chamomile tea which is soothing and can make you sleepy.  Avoid caffeinated teas.
2.  Have warm milk or hot chocolate.  Milk has tryptophan which can help you sleep.
3.  Read something boring (textbook?).  Exciting stories can have the opposite effect.
4.  Listen to quiet soothing music.
5.  Pet your dog or cat.
6.  Think about something you like to do that's relaxing.
7.  Watch someone else sleep.
8.  Develop a relaxing ritual to use before you want to sleep.

Everyone has some nights when it's hard to sleep or stay asleep.  If this is just occasional, there's no need to seek further medical assistance.  But if you regularly find you can't sleep more than 2 hours at a time, you probably should consult a sleep doctor to determine what you could do to get more sleep.



*As we grow older, waking in the night becomes more common for lots of reasons like needing to go the the bathroom, pain in joints, and seniors tend to sleep lighter than younger folks.  As long as you're getting enough sleep (7-8 hours in normal), it's ok if part of you sleep is during the day).

Start the Day Well

Do you ever start the day lying in bed and dreading what is to come?  How we get ready for our day can really set the tone for the whole day, and can make each day more enjoyable.  Tomorrow consider starting you day with one or more of these tips:

1.  As you're waking up name 5 things you are grateful for.  Include things you like about your bedroom, body, family, house, job, neighborhood, state, country,....  Try to think up new things each day.  When things you don't like come to mind, notice the distraction and tell yourself you will work out problems later in the day but this moment is for gratitude.  Then go back to being thankful.

2.  Have 2 cups of water when you wake up.  We wake up dehydrated from not drinking all night.  Drinking water first thing in the morning will make you feel better and help your appetite be more appropriate at breakfast.

3.  Plan to pamper yourself at some point during the day.  Choose something you would really like to do that takes only a few minutes and plan to do it sometime time later today.

4.  As you are showering, bathing, and/or dressing do a body scan, noticing what parts of your body feel good and what parts you can't feel or feel a little tense.  Each day notice any differences since our bodies are different every day.  Let the tension wash out into the water and down the drain.  Or let deep breaths take out the tension/pain and breaths in bring in refreshment and new life.

5.  Eat breakfast.  Myriad health problems (such as heart disease) have been found to be less likely if you eat a wholesome breakfast every day.  Include protien and fresh fruits and/or vegatables.  If you're not hungry when you wake up, pack a breakfast to eat when you get to work or school.

6.  Include peppermint in your morning such as a mint tea, mint gum or candy, or an infuser with mint.  According to a study in the N. American Journal of Psychology people who were exposed to mint before driving had more energy.  Wheeling Jesuit University found that peppermint increase alertness and decreases fatigue when driving (Dr. Bryan Raudenbush, PhD).  So pop a stick of peppermint gum in your mouth before driving to work.

7.  Think of something in your life that you are glad happened to you (e.g. meeting your partner or friend, having children, moving to your town, or having a certain skill or job).  Now imagine how your life would have been different if this had not happened.  This exercise can help you appreciate something that you otherwise take for granted and give your an optimistic start to your day.

8.  Do some exercise outside.  Nature sounds and sights boost our mood, and exercise helps in many ways.  So before you climb on the bus or in the car walk for five minutes (or more) in your neighborhood, pull some weeds, pick a flower, or visit with your dog.

9.  Smile!  Smiles brighten our moods even when we're thinking about something we are dreading or when we're worrying.  So include several smiles in your morning routine.  Give yourself a reminder by posting a picture of someone or something that makes you smile near where you brush your teeth or eat breakfast or on the dashboard of your car.

For more ideas see:  http://www.webmd.com/balance/features/morning-mood-boosters

The Aging of America

In 2056, for the first time in US history, the population of people older than 65 will outnumber younger people according to the US Census bureau.  The Census bureau also tells us that baby boomers are living longer than their parents did even though they tend to be less healthy than their parents were at the same age.  Advances in medicine and medical technology are allowing people to live longer, even if they have poor health habits.

What changes will need to happen as a higher percentage of our population is older?  Time will tell.  But mostly likely we'll need to rely on each other more.  Our health care system will need to focus more on staying fit and healthy and less on curing illnesses.  And each of us will need to care for older neighbors, family members, and friends.  Probably a higher percentage of the population will be employed in the elder care and health care fields.  And we may all work well past the age of 60.

As changes come to our society each of us needs to make sure we are ready for the future.  Staying physically, socially, and mentally active will help each of us as our bodies grow older.  No matter what your age now, consider ways that you can become more engaged in your community, keep your body fit, and use your brain more.  Consider adding the following habits to your life:

*At least once a week call or visit a friend.
*Exercise daily, sometimes aerobic, sometimes stretching.  If you don't have time for a whole work-out, add a longer walk to the car when you park at the office or store or take the steps instead of the elevator.
*Look for ways to learn daily.  Make a list of things you want to learn on your computer or in your journal.  Check this list at least once a year to notice what you've learned and pat yourself on the back for keeping an active brain.
*Learn habits that help you relax and feel good.  Include leisure in your weekly and daily routine.
*Consider your next doctor visit as a time to learn about yourself and your health.  After your check-up resolve to try new ideas that you learned from the doctor or nurse to improve your health.  Enlist a friend to encourage you to keep your goal by telling her/him of your new resolution.
*Notice (but don't condemn yourself for) your bad health habits and make small changes to be more healthy.  For example, if you put three spoons of sugar in your tea, try to cut back to 2 spoons over the course of one week.  If you walk one mile slowly, pick up the pace once a week or add a bit of length.  Small changes makes big differences over time.
*Learn about organizations that help others and consider volunteering.
*Talk with your family members and friends about how you want to be cared for when your are older.  Get your will ready and prepare ideas for your family to commemorate your death once you have pass on.

We'll all need to work together as our society ages.  Please add your comments on how we can all prepare in the comments below.

Retire later?

Recent research suggest that those who retire later (after age 62) show lower rates of dementia.  This makes sense since work keeps us physically and mentally active and tends to increase our social interactions.  Being active and social is know to reduce the incidence of dementia.  Does that mean you should plan to retire at 80?  No...(although some do...)

But when you retire plan to keep working, doing the things you like to do.  Volunteer for your favorite organization or community, exercise daily, keep social contacts going, and keep learning.  Past research shows that learning new things is an effective way for seniors to keep their brains healthy.

Not all of us are near retirement, but we can all choose to learn (and keep our brains active).  Most jobs and hobbies offer opportunities for learning, so it's just a matter of making learning a priority.  Learning new areas of expertise at our work makes us a more valuable employee (and better able to find a new job should we need to).   Once study suggests that learning something after doing at least 50 minutes of aerobic exercise that day makes learning last longer and encourages growth of brain cells.

So learn to cook, juggle, play a game,...  Or learn a new language.  Whether you're still working or are retired, you can choose what to learn and what to do that will improve your health.

Note:  Research cited comes from the Alzheimer's Neuroscience conference that took place in Boston, MA from July 13-18, 2013.

Improve Your Brain!

As the population continues to age, more research is being conducted on how to keep our brains active and growing throughout our lives.  Tips abound, but here's some of the best suggestions for keeping your brain healthy:

Exercise:   Exercise increases our brain's ability to learn. Recent research even shows increased exercise grows brain cells and can reverse age-related brain cell loss (study was of older adults who walked 40 minutes a day three days a week).  Exercise also is good for heart health, decreased depression, leads to weight loss, and fosters social interaction.  So go for a walk, do crunches, lift weights, .....

Deep Breathing:   Doing as little as 20 minutes a day of meditation three times a week has been shown to cause changes in the amygdala, the area of the brain that regulates emotion (2012 study).  The changes seen in the brain could be correlated to more happiness and less depression.  So take a few minutes each day to simply breathe and observe your breath.  Let other thoughts go as you focus only on the now.

Learn something new:  A 2009 University of Oxford study showed new brain cell growth when people practiced juggling 30 minutes a day for 6 weeks.  The benefits suggested by the study include increased coordination and faster reflexes.  But learning anything (especially after exercising) is good for your brain.  So learn a language, a craft, or a new skill.

Recent research on improving sleep

Summarized below are three new studies that help us understand more about sleep.  Summaries below are draw from WebMed (www.webmd.com) research summaries and articles on sleep written by Dr. Micheal Breus, PhD, ABSM.

1.  The National Science foundation interviewed 1000 adults (ages 23-60) to determine the effects of exercise on sleep.  Respondents reported their physical activity for the week (vigorous, moderate, light, and no activity).  All respondents reported the same amount of sleep, but the more people exercised in the day time, the higher the quality of sleep (i.e. they felt more rested and refreshed when waking).  61% of the non-exercisers reported bad sleep (e.g. difficulty falling and staying asleep, difficulty falling back asleep, sleeping too little), and were more likely to report feeling sleepy during the day.  But perhaps most significant is that even those who only reported light exercise (e.g. 10 minute walk a day), reported better sleep than those who did no exercise.  Participants who exercised more reported improved sleep regardless of when during they day they exercised.

2.  A new study conducted by the University of California Berkeley suggests poor sleep may contribute to the lack of appreciation in couples.  Researchers studied 60 heterosexual couples between ages 18 and 56, asking them to record amount of sleep and their feelings of gratitude.  Results suggest that people tend to feel less appreciated by their partners if they slept poorly. In fact, when just one member of the couple slept poorly, both partners are negatively effected emotionally and have a lower level of appreciation felt in the relationship.  This may explain why more couples are sleeping separately (25% and rising).  Poor or insufficient sleep leads to crankiness and less ability to adapt to changes.  So it's no wonder that we are less appreciative when we have slept poorly.

3.  Modest sleep improvement appears to increase tolerance for pain.  Researchers at the North Shore-Long Island Jewish Sleep Disorders Center extended the sleep of half the participants (ages 21-35) to 10 hours a night and then tested both groups for pain tolerance (how long it took them to remove hands from a heat source).  The extended sleep group had a 25% increase in pain tolerance, the equivalent of taking a pain killer.  Findings are found in the December 2012 issue of Sleep.  Although this small study cannot conclude that increased sleep causes higher pain tolerance, it does suggest that those 
expecting to have surgery or suffering from chronic pain would benefit from increased sleep.


So what can we conclude?

1.  Arrange your schedule so that you can get 7-10 hours of sleep each night.
2.  If you, your partner, boss, or best friend is experiencing sleep problems, get or encourage them to get some help improving their sleep habits.
3.  Exercise everyday, even on busy days.
4.  If you're experiencing chronic pain, consider other causes of pain beyond the initial diagnosis such as sleeping more.

Need help with sleeping better.  See the last blog post (from May 8, 2013, below). 

Tips for Getting Better Sleep

Here's some tips to sleep better tonight:

1.     Have a bedtime ritual:

a.  Self-care:  teeth, bath, hair, etc.

b.  Relaxation:  warm bath, quiet music, gratitude list, tea,…

2.    Go to bed and get up at the same time every night/morning.

3.    Make a comfortable sleep area:

a.  Mattress less than 10 years old

b.  Consider darkening shades to prevent light

c.  Consider earplugs or white noise machines

d.  Pillows to support lower back and neck

What encourages sleep

1.    Daily exercise (esp. aerobic).

2.    Making relaxation a habit (e.g. meditation, neuromuscular relaxation, yoga, mindfulness, spiritual practices, etc.)

3.    Healthy encouraging relationships.

4.    Processing (vs. ignoring) stress (therapy, talk to friend, worry list, setting smaller goals, decreasing expectations, etc.).

5.    Some foods:  warm milk,* bananas, almonds, cherries (only natural source of melatonin), oatmeal,* small portion of protein (cheese, cottage cheese, meat, hard boiled egg), and some herbal teas.*   (*Remember to avoid high sugar additives.)

Things to Avoid:

1.     Exercise and heavy eating right before bed (esp. high fat meals).

2.     Naps more than 20 minutes in the afternoon.

3.     Looking at electronic screens before bed.

4.     Stress and arguments, especially before bed.

5.     Alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and nicotine within 3-5 hours of bedtime.

6.     Using bed for other things (reading, chatting, working, TV, …)

7.     Suspenseful books, shows, etc. that are hard to stop.

8.     Turning the light on when you get up for the bathroom, kids,…

9.     Staying in bed and worrying that you aren’t sleeping.

10. Distractions (e.g. pets, kids, snoring, neighborhood noise…).

Be Calm

CALM

Collect the good

Accept everything

Live fully

Meet your own needs

Collect the good:  When we’re stressed we tend to think about all the bad or hard things that have happened.  Today, instead collect the good that happens.  Be grateful that you have access to indoor plumbing, that there’s some food in your house, that the sun shows through the clouds, that someone smiled, or that your bed feels good.  And make gratitude a habit daily, perhaps remembering to say five things you’re thankful for before getting out of bed, naming what you’re thankful for before or meal or the end of your day, or starting a gratitude list.

Accept everything:  Part of our stress is related to resisting things that happened that we didn’t want to happen.  Although it’s ok to be angered by or dislike how things turned out, fighting against what has already happened (that you can no longer change) only increases your stress.  So accept what happened yesterday, last year, etc.  Accepting does not mean that you approve or like what happened.  Instead you are letting go of the resistance or willfulness that causes tension and stress as you think about the past.  Letting go of the things you can’t change can help you to enjoy life and have hope for your future.

Live Fully:  Take time each day to let go of worries about the future and enjoy what is happening in the present.  For example, observe your breath; run and only feel the sensations; loose yourself in some music; or see and enjoy a beautiful sunset or flower.  Let yourself get lost in what your are doing or feeling and what is around you.   There’s enough trouble in the moment without adding the trouble of past (and future) days or years.  Although you won’t always be able to let go of the past and future, spend some (lots of?) time every day enjoying the now.  If you’re truly living fully, you’ll notice that you loose track of time in these moments and experience joy in simple things.  In sports fully participating is called being “in the zone.” 

Meet your own needs:  Some stress comes from focusing so much on others needs that we neglect our own needs.  People experiencing stress sometimes even forget to eat, sleep, or do things for fun.  No one else but you knows what you need.  So start by taking three deep breaths and naming what you feel and need right now.  Rate your fatigue, hunger, tension, etc. Then choose a time today to take care of one of these needs.  Taking care of yourself is not selfish.  Instead taking care of your needs frees you up to care for others.

Better

"Do the best you can until you know better.  Then when you know better, do better."  Mia Angelou

What an accepting attitude.  We know what we know, and we do what we can do, and we learn what we can learn.  Being more accepting of yourselves day by day and minute by minute takes some of the stress out of life.  Being accepting of pleasant and unpleasant feelings can help us to learn from them.  Being accepting of pleasant and difficult people (or situations) can help us grow.

Try this exercise to be more accepting:

Take several deep breaths and notice the motion of the breath.  Accept however you are breathing and feeling even if it's different from the way your breath was last time you practiced observing.  Just breathe, notice, and accept.

Then notice any thoughts that enter your mind.  Instead of evaluating them, just notice what you're thinking.  Then let the thoughts exit your attention.  Notice any other thoughts.  Accept.  Wait.

Notice any feelings.  What sensations do the feelings cause?  Accept the feeling even if it's unpleasant.

If you notice yourself getting judgmental or distracted, just notice that and accept it.  Breathe.  Accept.  Breathe.

Fulfillment

"People take different roads seeking happiness and fulfillment.  Just because they are not on your road does not mean they are lost."  Dalai Lama

Most of us want to be happy and fulfilled.  We also wish that our loved ones, friends,  and colleagues were happy and fulfilled.   It's important to keep in mind that what makes us happy doesn't necessarily make others happy or fulfilled.  So, it's not our job to tell others how to find happiness.  Sometimes when we do, it causes stress for us and for them.  We are not responsible when others don't feel fulfilled. Although we can take care of them, we can't make anyone else happy.   Letting go of the belief that we can make others happy doesn't mean that we don't care about them.  We are just recognizing everyone's uniqueness, independence, and personal ability to affect their own happiness.  We're recognizing that we can't change others, only ourselves.

Try this exercise (called compassion meditation) to focus on your happiness and to offer love to those you care for:

Sit quietly and comfortably and take a couple deep breaths.  Focus on the present moment and let go of any distractions.  Repeat these words to yourself:  May I be happy.  May I be peaceful.  May I be safe.  May I be loved.  Continue breathing and saying these phrases several times.

Then think of someone you love (perhaps someone you don't believe is feeling happy or fulfilled).  As you think of them, say these words:  May you be happy.  May you be peaceful.  May you be safe.  May you be loved.  Say these words several times as you think of them.  If you like, you can switch to another person and say the words as you think about them.  Feel free to change the wording to be more appropriate to each friend.

Finally, say the phrases again about yourself:  May I be safe.  May I be happy.  May I be peaceful.  May I be loved.

Go out and enjoy your day.  You are loved.

Does Vulnerable = Weakness?

When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown up we would no longer be longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability. To be alive is to be vulnerable. M. L'Engle

According to Mirriam-Webster weakness is defined as "unable to withstand attacking or wounding."  Vulnerablity is defined as "capable of being wounded" and "open to attack or damage."  Dr. Brene' Brown, Ph.D, LMSW defines vulnerability at uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure.  Vulnerability is not synonymous with weakness.  In fact, being vulnerable takes courage and when we see someone with that kind of courage we are impressed.

For example, by choosing to love someone you make yourself vulnerable.  Because you have chosen to love them you are taking a big risk.  They could choose to return your love or not.  They could die or betray us.  Loving someone leaves us exposed.  But does it make us weak?  No! On the contrary, loving someone (and thereby being vulnerable) makes us stronger.  Imagine life without love.  It takes courage to be vulnerable and to love.  And by having that courage, we are able to accept and experience love, connection, acceptance....

B. Brown (who researches shame, vulnerability, and wholeheartedness) claims that vulnerability is the birth place of love, belonging, acceptability, hope, joy, accountability, intimacy, creativity, innovation, gratitude, and curiosity.  Consider the following story she tells:

The managing director of a large German business realized his leadership style was preventing his managers from taking initiative.  Instead of working in private to make a change, he spoke at the company's annual meeting about his own failings.  As he was explaining his personal and organization roles, he admitted he didn't have all the answers and asked his team for help leading the company.  Researchers that followed the transformation that followed the annual meeting said the the company's effectiveness surged, his team flourished, there was an increase in initiative and innovation, and his organization went on to out preform larger competitors.

We are afraid of vulnerabity and sometimes hide behind our fears.  Having the courage to share our vulnerabities with the right person may be the step we need to take to make our lives better.  Choosing to be vulnerable in human relationships usually leads to increased closeness.  Certainly there is the risk of being hurt (which is why choosing the right person to share with is so important).  But choosing not to be vulnerable is perhaps a greater risk still.  It is the risk to live without love, acceptance, creativity, innovation.....

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.  The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the areana, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and agian, becasue there is not effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotion; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the least knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly...:  Theodore Roosevelt

For more information on the B. Brown's research look up "The Power of Vulnerabity" on TED talks or read her book Daring Greatly.

Imprefection

"There's a crack in everything.  That's how the light gets in."  Leonard Cohen.

Culture tends to tell us to get better, to reach higher...and to ignore or hide our faults.  I'm all for reaching higher.  But sometimes the way to get there is through our faults, failure, quirks, or "cracks."  When we are pretending we have it all together, we're expending energy that might be better spent learning from our faults.  When we're hiding our faults or "cracks" we're not reaching for where we want to go.

The next time you get anxious, worried, or feel guilty, try something new.  Think to yourself, this is a chance for me to learn and grow.  What can this feeling teach me about myself and the world?  Guilt can help us get ready to apologize for something we said without thinking.  Facing our anxiety, a little bit at a time, can help us to do things we've always wanted to do.  For example, going to a new group, even though meeting new people make us anxious, can allow us to learn new skills or make new friends.  Dr. Marsha Linehan (pyscholgist and author) ties this acceptance or welcoming of unpleasant emotions to "opposite action" as a way to get over problems we face*.   The idea is to identify the action that an emotion wants us to do and then do the opposite.  For example, depressed feelings tend to make us want to withdraw and/or isolate.  The opposite action would be to exercise or engage.  So using opposite action to decrease depression means engaging or going out when you feel like staying in.  Try using opposite action to grow yourself as follows:

-If you feel depressed and want to stay in bed all day, instead go out for a walk.
-If you feel sad, watch a funny movie.
-If you're attracted to something you would rather avoid, walk away from it.
-If you feel frightened of something you want to learn to do/use, watch others doing it.

The basic idea is to let our "cracks" teach us.  Be open to letting your feelings, no matter how uncomfortable, teach us.

*One clarification, it is also important to allow ourselves to experience our unpleasant emotions.  Opposite action is for times when we've decided we spent too much time depressed or sad or angry.  But before trying opposite action (to get rid of the feelings) it's important to first experience the feeling fully and accept it.

Gloomy Weather

"Never cut a tree down in the wintertime.  Never make a negative decision in a low time. Never make your most important decisions when you are in your worst moods.  Wait.  Be patient.  The storm will pass.  The spring will come."  Robert Schuller

In February it's not unusual to get depressed at continued short days and colder weather.  Sunny days make most of us feel happy, and cold cloudy days can make us feel sad.  What can we do to improve our mood when it rains for days or we're trapped inside due to bad weather?

In February it's helpful to remember that the sun is returning.  Today in Seneca the sunrise was at 7:20am.  On December 1st, 2012 the sun rose at 7:12am.  Today the sun will set at 6:05pm and December 1 it set at 5:15pm.  Today's a considerably longer day.  Make a point of noticing how the days are getting longer.  During your morning routine notice which part is light now that used to be dark.  When the time changed in November, I got up, ate breakfast and left for work in the dark.  Although it's still dark when I wake up, when I eat breakfast and leave for work it's light now.  If you're a sun lover, noticing the lengthening days is a way to inspire hope and remind yourself the sunny times are increasing.

Also, be sure to spend time in the sun each day.  Besides the sun helping our bodies make Vitamin D, there's also research that says many people are happier with more sun exposure (remember you get sun benefits even if it's cloudy).  A walk on a cold day is good for your health and your mood.

If it's raining or snowing and you can't do your usual outdoor activities, try to re-frame your thoughts.  For example, when it rains and I can't go for my usual walk, I remember how the rain is nourishing the plants and helping my garden grow.  When it's snowing, although I find the driving difficult, I remember how much children and families are enjoying playing in the snow.  What's an aspect of the weather you don't like?  How do others rejoice in that very weather?  Does focusing on them help you lighten your mood?

Our thoughts affect our moods.  What we think can lead to pleasant and unpleasant feelings.  The first step towards changing our bad moods is simply noticing thoughts that are bringing us down.  So notice how you think about the weather.  Accept your thoughts and your moods.  Noticing negative thoughts and accepting low moods is already a excellent beginning and helps us to manage low moods.  Then, when you are ready, try some different (more hope inspiring) thoughts.

Another way to change your thoughts is to focus on the present moment.  Instead of letting negative thoughts take over when you're driving in the rain or snow, notice the sound of the rain drops moment to moment.  Or notice how the light changes as you drive along.  Instead of looking out the window and having gloomy thoughts about weather out there, pick one object you see outside and fully describe it to yourself.  Enjoy each detail of that object and then move on to something else happening only in this moment.  Become aware of this moment.  Appreciate now.  This moment will never be available again.  So take life one minute at a time......   And remember....

Spring is coming.....

"Life stands before me like an eternal spring with new and brilliant clothes."
Carl Friedrich Gauss 

Work the soil

"To me poor people are like bonsai trees. When you plant the best seed of the tallest tree in a flower-pot, you get a replica of the tallest tree, only inches tall. There is nothing wrong with the seed you planted, only the soil-base that is too inadequate. Poor people are bonsai people. There is nothing wrong in their seeds. Simply, society never gave them the base to grow on. All it needs to get the poor people out of poverty for us to create an enabling environment for them. Once the poor can unleash their energy and creativity, poverty will disappear very quickly."
-Muhammad Yunus

I like gardening.  And how true it is that better soil produces better plants.  I also like working the soil around people.  Sometimes they need better nutrients, but sometimes they just need the soil turned over a bit or a larger pot. 

One of the best ways to feel better yourself is to help someone else.  Research* suggests that there's a strong relationship between volunteering and health (lower motrality rates, greater functional ability, lower rates of depression in later life).  Although it is not clear from the research that it is the volunteering that reduces depression or mortality or increases functionality, experts tend to agree that helping others tends to help the helper.  For example, the helper while volunteering is spending less time focusing on their own problems since they are helping someone else with their unique (and different) problems.  In the study older persons had higher benefits from volunteering, perhaps it gives them a physical activity, a sense of purpose, and social interactions at a time when these are otherwise changing or disappearing.  (Another reason could be that they face a higher incidence of illness as they age.)  The study also suggested that spending more than 100 hours per year was more likely to lead to positive health outcomes.

So get out there an volunteer! There are many agencies that could use your help.  People who volunteer say that the work helps them more than they help those they are asked to serve.  Here's a few agencies to consider (or look up volunteering on your city or county's website):

Big Brother, Big Sister

Meals on Wheels

Free Clinics
Senior Centers
Head Start
Public Libraries

In Seneca/Clemson South Carolina, look up:

Our Daily Rest (lunch served)

Our Daily Bread (homeless shelter)

ReWiGo (repair and ramp building for the poor)

Senior Solutions (inclues Meals on Wheels)

Foothills YMCA 

Oconee Medical Center

Rosa Clark Medical Clinic and Clemson Free Clinic

Clemson Child Development Center

SMURFs

*Corperation for National and Community Service report titled The Health Benefits of Volunteering:  A Review of Recent Research, 2007.  http://www.nationalservice.gov/pdf/07_0506_hbr.pdf

Planning vs. Being

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."  Joseph Campbell

Part of what makes us move ahead and be motivated is our goals, plans, and dreams.  Plans are important, but putting too much focus into the plans can make us miss the life we have now.  We can hope one day to be healthy, or have/heal that special relationship, or.....  But look at all the beauty and pleasure we might miss if we only focus on getting there.  Even though we are sick, we can enjoy the taste of a favorite dish, the smile of our grandchild, the rainbow or sunset we happened to see.   Or more simply we can enjoy that we are breathing and our heart is beating and this very moment is alive with sensations and experiences.  If we notice them, they will bring peace and/or joy to our hearts.

So by all means plan and dream.  But in between the times when you're thinking about your plans, remember to enjoy this one moment.  You won't have a chance to experience it again.

Here's an idea to appreciate the present when you wake up in the mornings:

As you wake notice your breath and be grateful for it's rhythm and constant presence.  Notice the motion of the breath in and out.  Enjoy it.  Then notice what else is working well in your body, your heart is beating, you can see, hear, etc.  Feel the bedsheets, pillows and cool air with your hands and face.  Enjoy those sensations.  Be grateful for all the blessing of your body and your bed.  Look around your room and be grateful for all the things you have and enjoy.  Listen to the sounds you hear and be grateful for the clock, cars, neighbors, family....  Take time with each sound to really listen to it and enjoy its beauty.  Use your other senses (smell and taste) to notice your surroundings and be grateful. Do this slowly and focus on as many or as few things/people as you wish. Take time to be grateful for your body, possessions, loved ones, and the world around you one by one. Then when you're ready return your attention to your breath and feel each breath in and out.  Experience the motion, smells and sensations that breathing brings you and enjoy the moment.

Positive psychology research has leaned that gratitude is a trait of people who are more happy than average.  So as you enjoy the moments of your day, be grateful.  May you be happy, may you be peaceful, may you have joy in your moments today.

Resolutions

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."  Dr. Seuss

In January we tend to make resolutions.  And it's a good habit for many because it encourages us to be healthier, happier, more motivated, more organized .... you name it.   So I encourage you to make a resolution today.  But keep in mind as you do that New Year's resolutions tend to be focused on both the past and the future.  You think about what you didn't like in the past and/or what you want in the future.  Although focus on the past and present is not harmful, it does tend to keep us from appreciating the present moment.  For example, thinking about how I want to be fitter, might cause me to not notice what's beautiful about me right now.  Or thinking about how I want to be a more loving friend (or parent or caregiver),  might lead me to repeat negative thoughts about myself that I'm actually trying to unlearn.  And if I start to feel guilty about how I didn't keep my resolution, I many create even more negative thoughts often followed by unpleasant emotions.  All this can lead us to miss out on a beautiful scene out the window, the smile of a friend, or the comfortable chair/room/house we're in (not to mention missing hitting the resolution).

So by all means make a resolution (or two?), but consider making a now-focused (or mindful) resolution this year that helps you stay focused on the present moment with awareness.  Here's a few ideas:

-See something beautiful you haven't noticed before today.

-Spend time each week (or day?) being totally present with a loved one.

-Find a new mundane task each week (month?) to start doing mindfully.

-Take time to notice the sounds, smells, sights, and textues when you eat something.

-Take six deep breaths before starting a difficult task (or getting together with a difficult person).

-Notice the sensations when eating, washing dishes, showering, walking....

-Sit still for 3 minutes when you get to (or off) work to just appreciate the now.

-Take at least 10 breaths each day mindfully.

-Stretch (or exercise) and really notice what happens when you stretch.

-Smile or laugh more and enjoy doing it.

-Smile at least part the day each day when you're at work.

-Read something just for pleasure each week (day?) and enjoy the time as you're reading.

-Start list of things you're grateful for and add to it each day (week?).

-Be grateful when doing chores (e.g. thankful for the garbage collectors who will take away this trash or for the plumbing that works).

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.”
― Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi