"People take different roads seeking happiness and fulfillment. Just because they are not on your road does not mean they are lost." Dalai Lama
Most of us want to be happy and fulfilled. We also wish that our loved ones, friends, and colleagues were happy and fulfilled. It's important to keep in mind that what makes us happy doesn't necessarily make others happy or fulfilled. So, it's not our job to tell others how to find happiness. Sometimes when we do, it causes stress for us and for them. We are not responsible when others don't feel fulfilled. Although we can take care of them, we can't make anyone else happy. Letting go of the belief that we can make others happy doesn't mean that we don't care about them. We are just recognizing everyone's uniqueness, independence, and personal ability to affect their own happiness. We're recognizing that we can't change others, only ourselves.
Try this exercise (called compassion meditation) to focus on your happiness and to offer love to those you care for:
Sit quietly and comfortably and take a couple deep breaths. Focus on the present moment and let go of any distractions. Repeat these words to yourself: May I be happy. May I be peaceful. May I be safe. May I be loved. Continue breathing and saying these phrases several times.
Then think of someone you love (perhaps someone you don't believe is feeling happy or fulfilled). As you think of them, say these words: May you be happy. May you be peaceful. May you be safe. May you be loved. Say these words several times as you think of them. If you like, you can switch to another person and say the words as you think about them. Feel free to change the wording to be more appropriate to each friend.
Finally, say the phrases again about yourself: May I be safe. May I be happy. May I be peaceful. May I be loved.
Go out and enjoy your day. You are loved.
Friday, March 22, 2013
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Does Vulnerable = Weakness?
When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown up we would no longer be longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability. To be alive is to be vulnerable. M. L'Engle
According to Mirriam-Webster weakness is defined as "unable to withstand attacking or wounding." Vulnerablity is defined as "capable of being wounded" and "open to attack or damage." Dr. Brene' Brown, Ph.D, LMSW defines vulnerability at uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure. Vulnerability is not synonymous with weakness. In fact, being vulnerable takes courage and when we see someone with that kind of courage we are impressed.
For example, by choosing to love someone you make yourself vulnerable. Because you have chosen to love them you are taking a big risk. They could choose to return your love or not. They could die or betray us. Loving someone leaves us exposed. But does it make us weak? No! On the contrary, loving someone (and thereby being vulnerable) makes us stronger. Imagine life without love. It takes courage to be vulnerable and to love. And by having that courage, we are able to accept and experience love, connection, acceptance....
B. Brown (who researches shame, vulnerability, and wholeheartedness) claims that vulnerability is the birth place of love, belonging, acceptability, hope, joy, accountability, intimacy, creativity, innovation, gratitude, and curiosity. Consider the following story she tells:
The managing director of a large German business realized his leadership style was preventing his managers from taking initiative. Instead of working in private to make a change, he spoke at the company's annual meeting about his own failings. As he was explaining his personal and organization roles, he admitted he didn't have all the answers and asked his team for help leading the company. Researchers that followed the transformation that followed the annual meeting said the the company's effectiveness surged, his team flourished, there was an increase in initiative and innovation, and his organization went on to out preform larger competitors.
We are afraid of vulnerabity and sometimes hide behind our fears. Having the courage to share our vulnerabities with the right person may be the step we need to take to make our lives better. Choosing to be vulnerable in human relationships usually leads to increased closeness. Certainly there is the risk of being hurt (which is why choosing the right person to share with is so important). But choosing not to be vulnerable is perhaps a greater risk still. It is the risk to live without love, acceptance, creativity, innovation.....
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the areana, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and agian, becasue there is not effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotion; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the least knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly...: Theodore Roosevelt
For more information on the B. Brown's research look up "The Power of Vulnerabity" on TED talks or read her book Daring Greatly.
According to Mirriam-Webster weakness is defined as "unable to withstand attacking or wounding." Vulnerablity is defined as "capable of being wounded" and "open to attack or damage." Dr. Brene' Brown, Ph.D, LMSW defines vulnerability at uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure. Vulnerability is not synonymous with weakness. In fact, being vulnerable takes courage and when we see someone with that kind of courage we are impressed.
For example, by choosing to love someone you make yourself vulnerable. Because you have chosen to love them you are taking a big risk. They could choose to return your love or not. They could die or betray us. Loving someone leaves us exposed. But does it make us weak? No! On the contrary, loving someone (and thereby being vulnerable) makes us stronger. Imagine life without love. It takes courage to be vulnerable and to love. And by having that courage, we are able to accept and experience love, connection, acceptance....
B. Brown (who researches shame, vulnerability, and wholeheartedness) claims that vulnerability is the birth place of love, belonging, acceptability, hope, joy, accountability, intimacy, creativity, innovation, gratitude, and curiosity. Consider the following story she tells:
The managing director of a large German business realized his leadership style was preventing his managers from taking initiative. Instead of working in private to make a change, he spoke at the company's annual meeting about his own failings. As he was explaining his personal and organization roles, he admitted he didn't have all the answers and asked his team for help leading the company. Researchers that followed the transformation that followed the annual meeting said the the company's effectiveness surged, his team flourished, there was an increase in initiative and innovation, and his organization went on to out preform larger competitors.
We are afraid of vulnerabity and sometimes hide behind our fears. Having the courage to share our vulnerabities with the right person may be the step we need to take to make our lives better. Choosing to be vulnerable in human relationships usually leads to increased closeness. Certainly there is the risk of being hurt (which is why choosing the right person to share with is so important). But choosing not to be vulnerable is perhaps a greater risk still. It is the risk to live without love, acceptance, creativity, innovation.....
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the areana, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and agian, becasue there is not effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotion; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the least knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly...: Theodore Roosevelt
For more information on the B. Brown's research look up "The Power of Vulnerabity" on TED talks or read her book Daring Greatly.
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