Why Did it Happen?

It is normal when something bad happens to wonder why it happened.  And why it happened to you in particular.  It can be good to analyze the whys.  Sometimes through, understanding the whys we come to a greater acceptance of the situation and are able to move on.

But...

and this is a big BUT...

...sometimes there isn't a single why that we can find.  Or sometimes even if we understand the why, it doesn't lead to any relief in the feelings (hopelessness, grief, sadness, pain, depression,...).

Most of us believe that if we could just understand what is happening and why, then make changes based on the understand, everything will be better.  But that's just not always true.  For example, when an accident that hurts or kills someone we love, no amount of understanding/thinking/reconsidering of the event will change that we feel sad (and angry, in pain...).  It's normal to go through lots of what-ifs and if-onlys (and it's not wrong to do so), but that process of thinking doesn't make us feel better.  When we feel pain and sadness there's a drive to find anything that will make us feel less in pain or sad.*  Thinking comes easier than feeling at times like this, and we can sometimes go into over-thinking or ruminating on the same what-ifs and if-onlys incessantly. When ruminating has taken over from thinking, we need to release the need to have logical explanations and move into acceptance of the loss and pain.

"But HOW" you say....

Yes, easier said than done.

It is a daily practice of accepting the now.  Accepting does not mean that you are glad this thing happened. Certainly not thinking that you (or anyone) would have chosen this painful now.  But accepting it as here now:  "I am in pain.  I am sad.  I can't make it go away, no matter how much thinking I do...."  Just noticing, "I'm trying to find an explanation again to make me feel better, but I still feel sad (angry, hurt...)."  Paddle past the pain and hurt onto calmer waters of accepting the feeling.  Perhaps you wouldn't have chosen to be in this boat.  But since you're in it, float, ride, perhaps paddle and move forward.

Try this exercise on releasing thoughts several times each week when ruminating or over-thinking has taken over.  And be accepting of yourself as you try it.  It takes practice to release obsessive thoughts, so the first time you try it, it will only work part of the time.

Take a deep breath and notice the motion of the breath.  Take 5 more deep breaths.
Notice a feeling you find unpleasant.
Notice what body sensations the feeling is causing (tension, hot, restless, lethargic, headache...).
Notice the thought that go with the feeling.
As much as possible observe the thoughts instead of thinking them.
Now accept the feeling.  Say to yourself, it makes sense I am _________.
Allow the feeling to express itself.
Say:  I'm in pain.  I can tolerate this.  I don't like it, but it won't kill me.
Continue to accept.
Take several more deep breaths.
On the breath out breathe out pain, tension, and ruminating thoughts.
On the breath in bring in healing, wholeness, acceptance, and (perhaps) peace.
Breathe.
Then notice if you feel any different.  Accept the change (or lack of change.)


*Sometimes we go to substances (like alcohol) or other addictions (like computer games) as a way to avoid the pain.

Living Humbly

We live in a culture of sacristy. Thousands of advertisements tell us we need to get something to be happy and fulfilled. Implied is the idea that we do not have enough or that life is is always about getting more. The idea of scarcity and advertisements do help businesses sell products and help companies grow.  But does it help people, our culture, or our mental and physical health?

If we believe the notion that we don't have enough, we spend our lives striving to make more money, get a better job or home, find the right friends, ....   In other words we focus on the future, improvement, and what we want.  There's nothing wrong with improving and changing.  But if it becomes our only focus, and we forget to enjoy the present, this culture of scarsity can lead to a life of busy-ness, striving, a life with few margins or room for spontaneity...a life with little gratitude or joy.

If you've noticed yourself rushing, having few times of contentment or gratitude, or constant fatigue, perhaps you need a vacation (or stay-cation) from the culture of scarsity. Take on week (day, hour, year) to be fully in the culture of plenty.  Spend time each day being grateful for what you already have, don't go shopping (even on-line shopping), avoid advertisements, use the time you normally shop or watch to do something you really enjoy.  Do something spontaneous. Live simply during you stay-cation. Instead of going out to eat, cook from the things in your home. Play a card game instead of watching TV. Call or visit a friend whom you enjoy being with. Have unplanned time each day. End each day making a list of what is plentiful and joyful in you life. Think of simple activities you enjoyed when you were younger and do one.  If you have a child or pet allow them to set the agenda for some play time and learn from them how they take pleasure.  Kids and pets are great teachers in living in the present.

Stop trying to work things out before their time has come. Accept limitations living one day at day at time. Enjoy each moment. Just be.


“You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment. Fools stand on their island of opportunities and look toward another land. There is no other land; there is no other life but this.”  H. D. Thoreau

What is FEAR?

What is F E A R to you?

False Evidence Appearing Real
Failure Expected And Received
Forget (or F...) Everything And Run
Frantic Efforts to Appear Recovered (Real)
Feeling Everything's Really Awful
Few Arrive Ever Rejoicing
False Expectations (Egos, Evidence, Emotions, Experiences..) Appearing Real
Feelings Every Alcoholic Rejects
Forever Escaping And Retreating
Fools Every Alcoholic Repeatedly
Forgetting Everything About Reality
Future Events Already Ruined
Forgetting Everything's All Right
Forgetting Everything About Reality

Notice that many of these acronyms have a focus on the future.  We are thinking about the future and we become afraid.  

Try choosing to be in the present instead.  Notice I said choose.  Fear will arise.  It's unclear if we have the power to stop fear from coming into our bodies and awareness.  It's pretty clear that when fear has arrived it will affect our physical bodies, our experience of the present, and our hopes, feelings, and awareness.  Fear changes us.  So when it arrives.... notice it... and...

CHOOSE to BE in the PRESENT....

Breathe...now...this one moment...notice what fear does to your heart rate, breathing, temperature, thoughts, feelings, hopes, awareness....

Now choose to be present....instead of thinking the thoughts that fear brings on...just be... breathe...notice...be aware....

Take this moment to notice something in the present and fully experience it.  Perhaps use beginner's mind to notice some object near you.  Afterwards, notice how your fear and your awareness has changed.

There's enough energy right now to handle the present, not all that might come in the future (and has happened in the past).  So CHOOSE to stay in the present....

Breathe....

Chronic Pain Relief

Although you might not think so at first, pain is a helpful trait of your body.  It lets you know that something is wrong and needs to be changed.   If you touch a hot stove, it's the pain that makes you move your hand.  Pain is the main reason people visit their doctor, since it is often the first sign of many diseases.  Because of pain many people have found out what disease processes were happening in their bodies and got needed treatment.

But let's face it, we don't like pain.  We especially don't like pain that stays around. Chronic pain is sometimes lasts weeks, months, or years.  It is not uncommon for people to continue to suffer from pain even after having a medical treatment for the problem.  For example, most people know at least one person who had back surgery but still suffers from chronic back pain.  Chronic pain is the reason Americans are buying more pain killers than ever before.  46% of Americans say they suffered from pain in the last 2 weeks.  20% of Americans say physical pain disrupts their sleep one or more nights a week.

All pain and illness is probably a result of both physical and mental causes.  Physical causes for pain are numerous and include physical illnesses, inflammation, tissue damage, medication side effects, and chemical changes in the body.  Mental causes for pain can include worry, stress, fear, and faulty belief systems.

Pain cannot be avoided.  Unfortunately all of us will experience pain in life at some point.  But suffering, which is pain minus the acceptance of the pain, can be avoided.   To avoid suffering one must learn to accept pain or learn to resist pain less.  We can know we are suffering if we are grimacing, teeth grinding, having self-punitive thoughts, seeking to avoid thinking about pain, wishing constantly for relief (e.g. attachment to finding a cure), or feel depressed, angry, or afraid of our chronic pain.  Everyone suffers when they experience pain.  Suffering leads to tight muscles, and perhaps a fight/flight/freeze stress reaction.  This stress reaction changes the way our bodies work and may even increase the pain.

So what's the solution?  First of all go see a doctor and get medical help.  If the only medical solution you've found after trying several treatments is pain medication, and you would prefer not to take so many pills, consider steps you can take yourself.  Learn to accept the pain (not the suffering).  Radically accept the pain.  Allow yourself to experience the pain as it is in this present moment.  Instead of letting the pain be a distraction from your work or relationships, give the pain a few moments of undivided attention every day.  Accept the pain of the moment and let go of the pain from the past and potential pain in the future.  For just a moment, allow yourself to experience the pain without thinking about a potential cure or wishing for a solution.  Don't think punishing thoughts about why you are having pain, simply experience it or describe it to yourself.  Notice ways your thoughts are making the pain worse (do you catastrophize, worry so much you get tense in your shoulders and neck or get a headache?).  Just accept the thoughts you have without judging them.  Then go back to observing the pain:  the sensations, the throbbing, the minute by minute changes in the intensity and location of the pain.  Watch.  Observe.  Allow.  Accept....

Although this mindfulness exercise won't take away the pain, it may reduce the suffering.  And with practice you may be able to reduce the level of chronic pain and enjoy your life more.  Try googling mindfulness for pain relief and try a few meditations.  One from my website is here.  For more on this method see www.backsense.org.

Other methods you can use to reduce suffering include changes in diet, behavioral therapy, exercise, physical therapy, evaluation of sleep habits, reduction of substance use, acupuncture, energy therapy, EFT (emotional freedom technique), chiropractic care, and changes in lifestyle and habits.  When you visit your doctor, ask them to give you more than pain killers.  Ask them for what lifestyle changes you can make that would reduce the suffering and pain.  If your physician doesn't know wholisitic methods, look for other health care professionals and/or health coaches in your area that can help you.  Don't forget to ask your friends what methods they have used and which professionals have helped them.  (Note: licensed professionals for whom you have several positive references are your best source of alternative care.)

Gloomy Weather

"Never cut a tree down in the wintertime.  Never make a negative decision in a low time. Never make your most important decisions when you are in your worst moods.  Wait.  Be patient.  The storm will pass.  The spring will come."  Robert Schuller

In February it's not unusual to get depressed at continued short days and colder weather.  Sunny days make most of us feel happy, and cold cloudy days can make us feel sad.  What can we do to improve our mood when it rains for days or we're trapped inside due to bad weather?

In February it's helpful to remember that the sun is returning.  Today in Seneca the sunrise was at 7:20am.  On December 1st, 2012 the sun rose at 7:12am.  Today the sun will set at 6:05pm and December 1 it set at 5:15pm.  Today's a considerably longer day.  Make a point of noticing how the days are getting longer.  During your morning routine notice which part is light now that used to be dark.  When the time changed in November, I got up, ate breakfast and left for work in the dark.  Although it's still dark when I wake up, when I eat breakfast and leave for work it's light now.  If you're a sun lover, noticing the lengthening days is a way to inspire hope and remind yourself the sunny times are increasing.

Also, be sure to spend time in the sun each day.  Besides the sun helping our bodies make Vitamin D, there's also research that says many people are happier with more sun exposure (remember you get sun benefits even if it's cloudy).  A walk on a cold day is good for your health and your mood.

If it's raining or snowing and you can't do your usual outdoor activities, try to re-frame your thoughts.  For example, when it rains and I can't go for my usual walk, I remember how the rain is nourishing the plants and helping my garden grow.  When it's snowing, although I find the driving difficult, I remember how much children and families are enjoying playing in the snow.  What's an aspect of the weather you don't like?  How do others rejoice in that very weather?  Does focusing on them help you lighten your mood?

Our thoughts affect our moods.  What we think can lead to pleasant and unpleasant feelings.  The first step towards changing our bad moods is simply noticing thoughts that are bringing us down.  So notice how you think about the weather.  Accept your thoughts and your moods.  Noticing negative thoughts and accepting low moods is already a excellent beginning and helps us to manage low moods.  Then, when you are ready, try some different (more hope inspiring) thoughts.

Another way to change your thoughts is to focus on the present moment.  Instead of letting negative thoughts take over when you're driving in the rain or snow, notice the sound of the rain drops moment to moment.  Or notice how the light changes as you drive along.  Instead of looking out the window and having gloomy thoughts about weather out there, pick one object you see outside and fully describe it to yourself.  Enjoy each detail of that object and then move on to something else happening only in this moment.  Become aware of this moment.  Appreciate now.  This moment will never be available again.  So take life one minute at a time......   And remember....

Spring is coming.....

"Life stands before me like an eternal spring with new and brilliant clothes."
Carl Friedrich Gauss 

Resolutions

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."  Dr. Seuss

In January we tend to make resolutions.  And it's a good habit for many because it encourages us to be healthier, happier, more motivated, more organized .... you name it.   So I encourage you to make a resolution today.  But keep in mind as you do that New Year's resolutions tend to be focused on both the past and the future.  You think about what you didn't like in the past and/or what you want in the future.  Although focus on the past and present is not harmful, it does tend to keep us from appreciating the present moment.  For example, thinking about how I want to be fitter, might cause me to not notice what's beautiful about me right now.  Or thinking about how I want to be a more loving friend (or parent or caregiver),  might lead me to repeat negative thoughts about myself that I'm actually trying to unlearn.  And if I start to feel guilty about how I didn't keep my resolution, I many create even more negative thoughts often followed by unpleasant emotions.  All this can lead us to miss out on a beautiful scene out the window, the smile of a friend, or the comfortable chair/room/house we're in (not to mention missing hitting the resolution).

So by all means make a resolution (or two?), but consider making a now-focused (or mindful) resolution this year that helps you stay focused on the present moment with awareness.  Here's a few ideas:

-See something beautiful you haven't noticed before today.

-Spend time each week (or day?) being totally present with a loved one.

-Find a new mundane task each week (month?) to start doing mindfully.

-Take time to notice the sounds, smells, sights, and textues when you eat something.

-Take six deep breaths before starting a difficult task (or getting together with a difficult person).

-Notice the sensations when eating, washing dishes, showering, walking....

-Sit still for 3 minutes when you get to (or off) work to just appreciate the now.

-Take at least 10 breaths each day mindfully.

-Stretch (or exercise) and really notice what happens when you stretch.

-Smile or laugh more and enjoy doing it.

-Smile at least part the day each day when you're at work.

-Read something just for pleasure each week (day?) and enjoy the time as you're reading.

-Start list of things you're grateful for and add to it each day (week?).

-Be grateful when doing chores (e.g. thankful for the garbage collectors who will take away this trash or for the plumbing that works).

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.”
― Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi